The number one thing most couples say to me when arriving for counselling is “we don’t communicate.” What they usually mean is that when they fight, they don’t settle or resolve anything but just end up hurting each other more.
So what about communication? Probably the best researcher in this field is John Gottman, a Jewish researcher from the University of Seattle. He has videotaped couples for hundreds of hours over a period of 30 years and has helped us enormously understand what goes wrong. Here are some things he says – we’ll discuss them in a series of blogs.
A HARSH STARTUP
80% of the time, women bring up complaints – whether with their partner or about some household problem. This is no predictor of anything. Whether in good or bad marriages, it’s just what women do. Truthfully, kudos to women for bringing stuff up.
However, a potential issue is how complaints are brought up. (So women beware!) When frustrated, it’s easy to have a “harsh startup.” When dating, we are polite, we ask and don’t demand, and we keep our tone soft. Why is it, when married, we treat each other with exasperation and contempt? Tones of voice matter and are the real reason why women are labelled the “nag.”
So if that’s you, admit it. No matter how frustrated you are, sweeten it up. The more frustrated you are, the more you need to focus on slow and low. Take a deep breath, lower your voice and slow down your words. It works! Ultimately, the goal is to be heard.
CRITICISM
There is a big difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is a behavior, or an observable action. It is, “Honey, you left your shoes in front of the door.” Or, “The music is too loud.” A criticism on the other hand assigns motive and judges attitude. It is, “Are you trying to kill me by leaving these shoes in front of the door!” Or, “Don’t you think of anyone but yourself. You know I hate that music.”
Simply put, criticisms are conclusions we jump to or decisions we make about what drives specific actions. Conclusions can sound like, “You’re selfish.” “You’re a slob.” “You don’t love me.” Or, like I said above. “Are you trying to kill me? and, “You never think of anyone but yourself.” If not responded to immediately or if they act defensive we move into deeper levels of criticism which involves case building.
Case building occurs when we store singular events (complaints) and “sandbag” or “backpack” them into a large case file (criticism.) Then, when we decide to raise our complaint, we approach it by giving all the convincing details stored up together over days, weeks or years, and conclude with a judgment or statement about why they do it. However, as we study those who resolve problems quickly, we learn that the reason why is NOT as important as changing the behaviour we do. What we need to do is stick to one single behaviour at a time, one complaint, deal with it and move on and stop assuming what motivates them.
For example, if John left his shoes in front of the door, the time to tell him is when it happens, and ask him immediately for what you need done. “John, honey, (soft startup) would you please come and move your shoes?” Then we can let it go and move on. All complaints should be reported individually within 24 hours of their occurrence, so that the problem can be addressed or corrective action taken.
For many people, asking each time seems tiring: “Why do I have to ask him/her every time I need something done?” Because that is the nature of ALL human interactions. There are just way too many things to remember, and forgetting is not a sign of anything. A person’s forgetfulness or failure to change is not because they don’t love you or disrespect you.
A person’s forgetfulness or failure to change is not because they don’t love you or disrespect you.
Gottman’s research, as well as that of others, has found that 90% of the complaints we have in marriage will likely never be resolved. But, of course, we try! Personalities are often established long before individuals enter into marriage. Habits are hard to break. Reminders might or might not get the new habit started, but by raising it, our partners will at least come to know and understand the things that bother or upset us. But even then, change is not easy. And nagging, criticizing, and shaming will not yield better results.
What if you are on the receiving end of a complaint – a genuine request for an immediate solution to a problem? Don’t bother with the excuses. (more of this in other blogs) Just do it. And do it now. Most complaints have simple solutions. We waste a lot of time explaining. Lay aside your pride, your laziness, and your justifications. Admit to it. Apologize if you need to. Then fix what can be fixed and move on.
So what have we learned so far?
Dr. Geri Holmes
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