Am I in an Abusive Relationship?

Am I in an abusive relationship?

In the last twenty years, this word has become a standard part of our speech.  But with the commonality of the word, some of the definitions have been lost. This blog briefly discusses some of the earmarks of an abusive relationship. It is very general and simplistic. There’s a lot more to be said, of course, on this subject.

Why abuse exists

Abuse is generally defined in a dictionary as the misuse of something, which can include the misuse of power, privilege, or money.  People can misuse or abuse their freedoms or their role as a respected member of an organization.  They can misuse their education to manipulate others with words or knowledge. To understand abuse, we have to understand power.

The fundamental value that keeps all relationships safe is the value of equality. If I see myself as equal to another person, I seldom allow them to abuse me or mistreat me. In the same way, if I see someone else as equal to me, I rarely mistreat them. Why? Because I put the same value on them as I do on myself. I don’t deserve mistreatment, and neither do they.  For abuse to take place, the abuser AND the victim have to see the relationship as an unequal relationship. The victim sees themselves as less than, for example, less intelligent or less capable.  And the abuser sees themselves as better or greater than or more powerful.

• Child abuse happens easily because the parent sees themselves as greater than the child.
• Spousal abuse occurs because the man (typically) sees himself as stronger or having more authority than the woman..
• Spiritual abuse happens easily because the minister sees himself/herself as more spiritual – hears from God, knows what God expects, etc, than the congregants.
• Workplace abuse happens when the boss sees himself as more powerful than the employee for any one of many reasons – perhaps because of his/her ability, experience or the power they have to withhold a paycheck.

Any time we see ourselves as having the upper hand in a relationship, the potential to be an abuser exists. And anytime we see ourselves as inadequate or weaker in a relationship, the possibility exists of being abused. EQUALITY is the KEY.

The environment of fear – Of all human emotions, fear is probably the greatest emotion that supports abusive behaviour. The most fundamental fear is the fear of death. If a person believes the abuser or person in authority has the power to take their life, either directly or indirectly,  by withholding basic needs, then the instinct to survive will allow abuse to continue. This is most obvious with child abuse because the child is dependent on the parent and needs them to provide their basic needs. The loss of approval may mean the loss of provision, and the child knows this instinctively.  This fear is also real with other perceived needs, such as a paycheck, which will purchase their food and shelter needed to survive. It is less obvious but still present with spiritual abuse because a person may fear that the priest or minister has an “in” with God, and it may impact their eternal destination or God’s favour on earth. Without it, life may be miserable or come to an end.

The element of powerlessness – Simply put, abuse strips the victim of the right or power to choose. All human beings have been given by God the freedom to make personal choices – whether children, women, employees or congregants. When a person feels “trapped” – forced in some way, even logically or physically coerced against their better judgment or “heart” –  then that may constitute abuse.

The element of surprise.  In a healthy environment, expectations are clear.  For example, in a home environment, rules or expectations are clearly given in advance of any punishment or consequence.  The child is then aware of what they should or should not do and what will happen if they don’t obey.  In a work environment, employees are informed about the expectations of what a job requires, including how the job will be evaluated and what will happen if the requirements are not met.  In a church environment, congregants are aware of the behaviours expected to maintain a position, whether paid or volunteer, and how their behaviour is evaluated. But none of that is true in an abusive environment.

In an abusive environment, nothing is predictable – communication is poor, and people are caught off guard and surprised. (For some abusers, the element of surprise is used strategically to set the victim off keel.)  There are typically mixed messages – be relaxed, speak up if you have a complaint, my door is always open, take some risks, don’t worry, Mommy loves you – but then, when one is relaxed and unsuspecting, all hell breaks loose.

All abusers blame their victims for not knowing what is expected or how to behave. AND the victim is blamed for their reaction to the surprise (anger, frustration, tears).

The element of unreasonableness – In a healthy environment, the expectations are reasonable. Age, experience, training, giftedness, personality, or other factors are considered when a problem arises. For example, a minister may expect more from a deacon who has served the church for twenty years than a new attender who has not grown up in the church.  Or, a parent may expect more of a sixteen-year-old in terms of table manners than a three-year-old who is just learning where to set his glass of milk in the proper place or what chewing with your mouth full means.

Imagine a young child playing with LEGO on the living room floor. The door opens, and Mom walks in, groceries in hand, and steps on a LEGO block, hurting her foot momentarily. She throws her groceries down, screams, grabs the Lego block, and heaves it across the room, then goes into a tirade at the young child.  The child is shocked by the flying block, the grocery bags tipped over on the floor, and Mom’s angry, raging voice, and starts to cry.  After ranting and raving, the mom screams at the child to stop crying because “what have you got to cry about anyway?”, pick up all the Lego! The child is sent to their room without supper.  Notice the abusive elements:

1. Surprise – the child was not aware that spreading Lego on the floor was wrong and may be met with displeasure
2. Blamed – the child cries but is reprimanded for their response to the unexpected.
3. Unreasonable – the mother’s anger was excessive, and her voice evoked fear and a sense of danger. Additionally, expecting a young child to understand the full consequences of how Lego blocks can hurt feet was unreasonable for their age.

The element of vigilance – Another indicator of an abusive environment is the victim develops feelings of vigilance or watchfulness. When things are threatening and unpredictable, everyone uses caution. The abuser becomes central – everyone is very aware of the abuser, where they are, what they are doing and what they might say or do. They know when they are “in house” and when they are away. Victims typically develop a stronger awareness of the feelings and needs of the abuser than of their feelings or needs. They begin to adjust their behaviour around the abuser and make choices based on the abuser’s wishes or needs rather than responding to their own heart or needs. The long-term effect is that the victim becomes out of touch with themselves and functions as a true people pleaser – more aware of the needs of others than their own.

The element of anger – In an abusive environment, there is a strong element of rage. Anger can be expressed by the strength of the emotion (such as violent reactions, loud yelling, swearing, ranting, or destroying personal items), or it can be very manipulative or covert (such as public comments intended to humiliate, removal of individual items of value, isolating people from the ones they love, refusing to speak for long periods).

However, anger also exists in the victim – it is typically buried and simmering. Anger is a God-given emotion that serves as a warning when injustice and unfairness prevail. Victims usually feel angry when treated unfairly or unjustly. However, because the abuser’s anger is out of control, they seldom allow themselves the freedom to feel their anger. They don’t want to become mean or abusive themselves, so they deny their feelings. (A few victims will “act out” in rebellion, but typically not in front of the abuser or not until they are convinced of their ability to survive.) Because victims do not allow anger to be expressed, it is frequently turned inward and becomes sadness, depression and feelings of emptiness and hopelessness.

 Overcoming Abuse

Reclaiming ourselves – At the core of our being, we know that we must be what God created us to be – we must express ourselves and our own heart, and we must walk in the freedom of personal choice. Intuitively, we know we are all equal, which means we have a voice, an opinion, and the need to express it. But conditioning has a significant impact on us. It takes determined effort to break that conditioning.

First, we must discover our sense of equality.

• We may be young (in the sense of being children), but we still feel, need, and want things, and we have the right to express them. While we may not be equal in size or strength, we are all equal in our rights and abilities to choose.
• We may not be in a position of responsibility (as employees), but we can have different views and different ways of doing things, and we need to embrace the freedom of equality by holding on to the right to express those different views and ways of doing things.
• We may not be as spiritually mature as another person, but we need the freedom to express ourselves at the maturity level we are at today without being condemned, judged, or shamed. We fundamentally know God is not an abuser because he never overrides or manipulates our personal choice.

Reclaiming our compassion – Victims are typically nice people – they are people who show compassion and empathy, and by doing so, excuse the abuser and tolerate their behaviour. But unfortunately, we do not extend the same depth of compassion toward ourselves. We must, in equal measure, put value on ourselves and our own needs and feelings before we can, in a balanced way, value others.

Reclaiming our equality – The great commandment is to love others AS we love ourselves. This constitutes a balance beam. To love oneself is equivalent to loving others, and it is not selfish, but simply doing what God commanded.  We must not be selfless but have self-respect. Respect includes an appreciation for differences, allowing us to have different opinions, needs, wants, and feelings.  I do not truly respect myself or others if I always conform to them or they to me.

Our DNA testifies to the truth that we are all different, and God places value on those differences. Anytime we surrender self-respect to serve others, we fail to love others as we love ourselves. We are told of Jesus – ‘who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God’ (Philippians 2:6-8). Notice that Jesus established his equality before he surrendered his servanthood. He was equal to God. When we fail to recognize our equality with one another, we are not truly servants but slaves.

Even in a child/parent relationship, the child should feel safe enough to be themselves and choose for themselves what they will do. Yes, they may make a poor choice and, as a result, have privileges removed or face some negative consequences. Still, those consequences should never be so severe that they fear for their safety, fear for their life, or fear the loss of relationships they need for survival.

People should be respected for the different roles they fill (teachers, bosses, spiritual leaders, parents), but never should we esteem them so highly that we destroy our sense of self and make their needs more important than our own. Never should it create fear in us so that we cannot be ourselves. Good leadership results in empowering people and releasing them to be who they are, without threat or fear of diminishing their authority.

Can abusers change?

Typically, although they appear powerful, abusers reveal their insecurities and feelings of inequality. If I am truly of equal worth or value, I do not need to grasp it. Jesus knew he was equal to God, but he didn’t cling to it. He had nothing to prove. In the same way, abusers need a revelation and recognition of their true worth and value so they no longer need to grasp control and power to prove it.

But people will not change as long as what they do works for them. Many people recognize abusive behaviour in others but feel sad and compassionate towards them because they know “they don’t mean it – they are just a little insecure.”  But this misplaced compassion cooperates and supports abusive behaviour. Jesus had no qualms about confronting Pharisees and calling them out for their misuse of authority (abuse).  When a community (family, business, or church) says, “enough”, there is hope for the abuser to change.

Do victims change?

It is easy to shrug our shoulders and think that even if we confront things, nothing really will change. But what about changing us? To remain in an abusive environment means we do not allow ourselves the freedoms and choices we need to be all that God made us to be. In a way, we are doing a disservice to our Creator by allowing someone to limit us.  Change is difficult for the best of us – we feel anxiety, worry and wonder – there are many “unknowns.”  However, people who make changes are no different from you or I – they simply decide to not let anxiety control their decisions. It is possible to push past that anxiety and hold on to the truth that God has a destiny and purpose for your life – that He has an environment for us where we can grow and thrive. There are often resources available within our reach if we need help.

It will all start to happen when we love ourselves enough, and believe we are worthy of that love to make the choices that are ours to make. When we realize that to continue to cooperate with abusive behavior is not only detrimental for us but also the for the abuser, we will realize that setting a limit on their behavior is good for us and good for them. Our greatest hope for change is to allow them to see that this behavior is not tolerated or allowed – that we are worth more than we previously realized.

So here is a checklist to help review this material.

In this relationship (company, church) do I:

1. feel surprised by the consequences I face or others face?

2. feel the consequences don’t make sense, seem unreasonable or over the top?

3. feel afraid that I might make a mistake but I’m not sure what that mistake might be?

4. feel overwhelmed by the reaction or anger of the person when I displease them?

5. feel more worry and concern about their needs, feelings or wants and unaware of my own?

6. feel equal to them in worth and value and feel comfortable with myself and where I am in my growth or perspective?

How did you do?