A Simple Improvement for Better Communication

Sometimes the obvious escapes us – especially in long-standing relationships.  Bad habits quickly overtake us and we leave behind the simple things that helped us connect at the beginning.

Let me give you an example from my own life…

I was going to purchase a small furniture item in a large retail store. The sign in front of the item advertised a great price. The item itself had no price attached. Two clerks agreed that the sign indicated the price but all the items were sold. They told me to get a rain check.

When I went to get the rain check, the customer service staff disagreed with the price, said it was incorrectly labelled and refused to order one in for that price. I was annoyed. I had wasted a bunch of time searching down the item, getting two clerks, and finding the product code. I was VERY annoyed.

I tried to argue with the assistant manager. She became stubborn and hostile. It was going no where. I decided to leave and talk to the manager when he was in the next day.  I left the store fuming. What was wrong with the Assistant manager – I clearly had a strong case.

And then I remembered a simple thing – something I observe in couples fighting, something that was and is almost always true when couples can’t solve issues, something I learned (after 25 years!) in my marriage. A very important simple thing.

Tone of voice.

As human beings we use our voice to reflect our emotion. As a result, those listening hear our emotion and don’t hear our words. Think about it.

When someone is angry, how comfortable are you to respond?

When someone is crying, or sad, how comfortable are you to give a logical response?

Believe it or not, even the most logical and rational among us react more to emotion, and out of our own emotion than out of our reason.

People perceive anger as a threat. “Quit yelling at me,” they say. “Calm down!” “Relax, why don’t you!” Have you ever had a spouse or friend tell you that? If so, perhaps like me in my marriage, my volume, or the forcefulness in which I was speaking was perceived as anger. I called it passion. He called it mad.

What about when someone cries? People perceive it as pain. They may say, “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about his now.” “Talk to me when you have calmed down.” Some people get so anxious when others are in pain or upset, they can’t hear the complaint. They want to soothe the complainer, hug them, rescue them, get help for them, or just get out of there! Unfortunately this response backfires.  “I don’t need a hug right now. I need you to LISTEN TO ME.”  Sigh. Those listening have to either learn to ignore pain, harden their hearts, or distance themselves from it. And if they do, what just happened to responsive communication?

It may seem unreasonable for you, but taking control of your emotion is VITAL if you want results from your communication. Taking deep breaths, swallowing your pride, slowing down your words, sitting down, taking a break by saying, “Ok, just give me a minute,” – all of these are helpful if you want to be heard.

I remember the day he said, “Quit yelling at me” AGAIN. And I did. I could feel the anger rising because he corrected me, I could feel the arguments rising in my head – all my excuses about why I needed to be loud, passionate and forceful. I remember the thoughts racing through my head shouting – “But you don’t listen to me when I’m not yelling.” Trust me folks, he listened even less when I did!

But I did it. I sucked it up, I took a breath, I slowed down and said it again calmly. Surprise, surprise. He didn’t walk out, he didn’t fold his arms and glare at me. He listened.

I know someone who has a quick temper. She blurts out her feelings, often because she is not confident in herself. But its sad – few people listen because she comes off so strong, so angry in her tone. That confirms her insecurities. But it could be changed.

I have a friend. He is tired and cranky a lot. When you ask his help with something he snarls and snaps. “What????” He creates distance between him and people. They leave him alone but he is lonely. People move on to befriend nicer people. But it could be changed.

So lets say you recognize, like me, that emotion clouds your miscommunication. What to do?

Apologize. When you see people’s reactions – walking away, shutting down, getting defensive. Don’t blame them. Ask yourself, “Was it my tone?” If it was, admit it – “I didn’t need to say it that way.”  “I’m sorry, I need to say that again.” “Forgive me, there’s no excuse for my tone.”  It can be changed.

If I was to go back to the store, I would do it different. I would smile, take more breaths, be polite, call her “Ma’am,” show respect, ask calmly to speak to the manager. I can be changed. And so can you. 🙂