Why Resentment is a Good Emotion

Every human emotion we have has been given to us for a good purpose. Hate, for example, is good when the focus of our hate is evil. Anger is a good emotion when the focus of our anger is injustice. And what about resentment?

Resentment is the emotion we feel when we are not honest with ourselves. Let me explain.

Sally’s husband told her that a bunch of the guys were getting together for the game on Saturday and he was wanting to go. Is that okay, he said. Sally’s first thought was No. But that’s not what Sally said. Not wanting to make her spouse unhappy, not wanting him to think she was unreasonable, not wanting to be “selfish”, Sally told him instead, “I guess so.”   “Great,” he said, bear-hugged her and went to shower and change.

The real truth is Sally was tired of the kids, bored with life in general, and had already thought about going out herself with a friend to a movie, although she hadn’t nailed down the plan. But Sally said nothing. Instead, she smiled and waved as husband pulled away.

 Saturday Sally and the kids stayed home and watched a movie instead. She felt depressed. She tried to busy herself in the evening but felt a little out of sorts.

The next day her husband was tired and a little grumpy from being out late. His grumpiness irritated her and she felt annoyed with him most of the day. She was short in her responses and when she went to bed that night, rolled over to the edge of the bed and attempted to sleep without the usually chattiness she enjoyed with her husband. He knew something was wrong and asked, “Everything ok.” Fine, she said. Just tired.

 The truth? Sally was RESENTFUL.

Resentment was the emotion that warned her of the lie – all the lies in fact, that she told herself INSTEAD of admitting and allowing the real truth – the truth about what her heart really felt and what she really wanted.

Her heart said, NO, but her mouth lied and said something else. And that lie, left to incubate produced resentment.

Giving is a great thing. Marriage and life in general requires us to give. We all know that selfish people are not good to be with and don’t sustain relationships. However, we are great pretenders. If we are going to let go of resentment, we need to stop faking it! We have to be where we are today. We have to be real and honest with ourselves and stop lying, denying, minimizing and accommodating.

I think there are rules for giving – for sacrificing, for accommodating others’ needs, and when we live by those rules there won’t be resentment.

There’s a story told in the Bible about a time when the Christians in Jerusalem were under persecution and starving because of it. Paul, a church leader writes to some of the churches asking for donations, but says the following:

So I thought I should send these brothers ahead of me to make sure the gift you promised is ready. But I want it to be a willing gift, not one given grudgingly. Remember this—a farmer who plants only a few seeds will get a small crop. But the one who plants generously will get a generous crop. You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.” And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. (2 Cor. 5:5-8)

 You want resentment free giving? Follow these principles….

Principle #1 – Think about it, “decide in your heart.”

Sally was a little quick to say yes. Maybe she was so good at stepping over her heart that she didn’t listen. If Sally would have said, “I need time to think about it,” she might have been able to think about her objections and plans and share them honestly. Don’t be in a hurry to say yes or no. THINK first.

Principle #2 – “Don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure.”

Pressure comes in all different forms. Sally made her own pressure because she wanted to be some kind of perfect wife. She lived under a lot of “shoulds” and “have tos.” Lying about her feelings doesn’t make her any more perfect – in the long run it made her grumpy, sad and angry.

Sometimes other people pressure us by being critical of us, by calling us selfish, or guilt-ing us when we do step out. (Or we think they will!) But the truth is, its not them, its us – we cowardly give up on ourselves and blame others. Or, we inwardly shame ourselves for not being what they want (or what we wish we were!) But if we lack courage and fold, we will foster resentment. To respect ourselves is to allow and acknowledge our own feelings and present reality. Either we give because we chose, or we don’t give at all.

Principle #3 – “Give cheerfully.”

So here’s the litmus test.. is the smile on your face AND in your heart?

I’d like to think Sally is a good person, a generous person and a caring person. She has a lot to offer and a lot to give. But when Sally doesn’t give with joy she sours, and like vinegar in milk, it spoils the whole heart. If Sally would believe in herself enough, she would know that giving when she chooses to, rather than when she guilts herself into it, would result in more careful expenditures of her heart. AND, in the long run she would have more to give, and more fun in giving.

If we give more thought to our giving, if we double-check to be sure we ARE choosing, we like giving more. When I reminded myself in the middle of the night when my baby was awake for the 4^th time, that I chose this – I chose this child and I chose this life, I found it easier.

Principle #4 – Use your “God” resource to replenish yourself…. Then there is “plenty left to share with others.”

I know someone who had a sucky childhood and now she refuses to give to anyone. She is frequently afraid of being used up and spent. She frequently calculates what she will get back if she gives anything at all. It’s sad because she’s smart and knows a lot and could give a lot of that knowledge to others.

The scripture verse above tells to sow generously. Am I contradicting myself? No, because it’s okay to admit you’re out of gas. It’s okay to say, No, I can’t do that right now. It’s okay to admit to human limitations – that you have no seed to sow. But this is where God comes in. He wants to heal our past cracks that drain the life right out of us. He wants to pour in His love, kindness and care. God has resources to offer we do not have in ourselves. So we need to ask.

Sometimes God surprises us and we find strength and joy pouring in, making it real and possible to give with a cheerful heart. We can share what we have – generously!

However, sometimes we ask and God gives us courage instead, to say no, to be real and honest and truthful.

I started out by saying resentment is a good emotion. It won’t tolerate lies and pretence. Are you listening to what it’s telling you? It might be good to reflect on what’s been happening when you feel it grinding in your belly.