Comfort in Covid

The most powerful emotion during any cultural shift is anxiety, and the loudest voices are almost always negative. Perhaps it’s the human condition to voice our complaints or perhaps it’s our belief that if I can externalize, that is, to get it out of the inside of me to the outside of me, I can dispense of it. Either way, negativity abounds during cultural shifts. I propose, this is because of our need for comfort. Seeking comfort in a climate of change is natural and common. The only concern we must have however, is where comfort is found.

People comfort themselves in various ways: some stay in their pyjamas, lounge around unshaven and hair in a disarray, binge-watch TV or indulge in sugary or salty comfort foods. Some turn to substances such as alcohol or drugs.  (It is ironic that cannabis was legalized just prior to the Covid crisis!) But there is a danger here of course because this is what we need to know – comfort is most effectively given and received in the context of relationships. All the other comfort measures mask and medicate but they do not meet the human need. 

We need to talk – yes, to externalize. We need to be able to voice our fears and share our worries in an honest and non-judgemental climate. But then we need to be comforted – found in touch, hugs, reassurances, encouragements, cheerleading, conversation, laughter, teasing, play, and connection. We cannot stay negative; we need to have our fears and worries understood but challenged. We need to hear the voices of hope such as, It won’t always be this way, We will get through this, We can adjust and keep going, We can hold onto the best things – most importantly, We have each other. These reassurances coming from live human beings are the only real effective measures for calming oneself, for quieting the anxious voices within.

The family that listens and processes together, plays together and prays together, not only stays together but stays healthy together. The family unit really matters. In my opinion, the most destructive response to the Covid crisis was social distancing. The losses in family connections and the imposed isolation shut people off from their ability to give and receive comfort.  This became far more detrimental to mental health and society and has resulted in a huge spike in suicides among every age category and a huge spike in depression and anxiety. The solution remains the same: we need each other, we need our family. We need to pull together.

The second part to our need for comfort is our need for a careful watch on what we say to each other.  When a child has a nightmare – one of those common ones when we have watched too many scary movies –  the first thing the parent may do is touch them. They may open up the sheets to have them crawl in and cuddle.  Or they may walk them back to the room where they hold them, and tuck them back in like a “bug in a rug.” But we touch them, and they touch us.

The second thing they may do is to relax their voices and say in a soft whisper, it will be okay, you’re okay. It’s just a dream… These words have power and impact – You WILL BE okay.

I realize that Covid is not a dream, but friends we need the same message – we WILL BE okay. We are resilient. Human beings have forged their way through war, famine and all sorts of natural disasters. We bounce, we hold on, we tough it out, we keep going.

So let me ask you,  is this the message you are giving?

Those who explore the more common mental health treatment measures understand the most depressed, anxious, or unhappy people are riddled with certain common thinking patterns identified as “distorted” thinking. There are ten common patterns of thinking that when fostered, will lead us into despair and distrust in relationships.

A close look at opinions around Covid (often exploited by the media) and responses to the current challenge reveal an acceleration in these distorted thinking patterns. As a result, we are creating despair by driving depression deeper and building anxiety higher in each other rather than comforting and encouraging.

I do not have time to go into all of them, but let me highlight a couple.

1. Predicting a negative outcome. People who are prone to chronic depression tend to see the future in a negative way. Things will get worse. Bad things will happen. They may plan a holiday but continually say, It probably won’t turn out because the flights will be cancelled, the hotel will be awful, everything will cost more than we expected, we’ll probably have bad weather… These “half empty” people see problems everywhere and assume the worst. But when the research is done in a logical thoughtful way, the truth is most holidays turn out well. Past history suggests that even when a problem or two emerged they got through it fine, – the flights were re-scheduled, the bills got paid, the sun came out again, and they had great stories and memories to share. When one predicts a negative outcome, they do not deal with the overall evidence but focus on the negative exception.

So let me apply this thinking to this current Covid crisis.  We hear the percentages and numbers regularly. But which statement is more factual: If I get Covid I will be okay? Or if I get Covid I will die?

What does the evidence show? 97.03% of people (globally) who get Covid will recover. So which statement is more accurate? Which conversation is evidence-based – You will be okay or you will die? 

When the media constantly brings forward the exception, when a culture continuously reminds us of the exception, we create a climate of distorted thinking. We anticipate negative outcomes and this robs of us our hope and resiliency. 

2. Discounting the Positives. Similar to, but different is the distorted thinking of discounting the positives. The person planning for their vacation may say, It will be great to get away, We will have more time together, We will encounter different weather patterns and see different things, We will make some new memories (which money can’t buy) because we are in a new setting. All of these things are typically positive things about vacations and reasons why we go on them. But for a person with distorted thinking they not only do not share these things, but they discount those who do. Once again, this unwillingness to keep the positives in front of them sours their life and leaves them feeling blue. And it discourages those around them who are hopeful and positive.

So, consider the floating mass of thought around Covid. Is it possible we have become so inundated by negativity we have lost the ability to see the good and be thankful. Have we allowed Covid to rob us of the sun that is shining, the home that is warm, the beauty of fall, the shimmer of winter, the cuteness of a baby, the playfulness of our pet, the intelligence of our child, the presence of our partners? 

If we have, understand that when a group of people buys in to distorted thinking they push those around them to do the same.  There is a subtle kind of pressure put on those who are positive suggesting that they are in denial of the facts, or childishly optimistic. But know this, it is these positive people that remain healthy and well mentally and physically through times of crisis and change. They are resilient!

One of the biggest barriers in working with depressed people is they can be stubbornly unwilling to change their thoughts. I would say the same to be true of this Covid culture. We must WORK against the current mass of thought. We must determine to be positive and thankful.

Why? Because we are not only missing our chance to be a source of comfort to our family and friends but we are agitating and accelerating their anxiety and distress.

Let me repeat that it is not wrong to acknowledge you are distressed and alarmed. It is not wrong to feel out of sorts, agitated or afraid. But don’t leave it there. Be a source of comfort to others and allow yourself to receive the comfort of friends. Sometimes we have to train them, ask specifically for what we need. Seek those out who will hold you, touch you, and be thankful and positive. Look to the future with positivity and be hopeful. And if necessary kindly but firmly tell them, please, no more negativity. Life is good. We will be okay.