We all need a little comfort

Recently I have come to realize that we all need a little comfort. In fact, we need it in regular intervals.  It is the reason we vent on one another, the reason fully grown adults still call home, the reason grown men stop at the bar to commiserate….   Whether in grief, in pain, rejected, betrayed, misunderstood or afraid, we have a natural and necessary instinct to find someone who will comfort us. Unfortunately, we are often disappointed.

If we could grasp the importance of comfort, I believe we could dispense with a lot of depression and despair and build much stronger relationships. Why?

1. We are the most comforted where we feel the most loved.

My grandson, just 10 months old, fell over and bumped his head. I tried to soothe him but gave up and brought him to his mom. Immediately he snuggled his little head underneath her chin and closed his eyes. He needed HER, because he had experienced with her the depth of true love.

We easily say the words, “I love you.” but to say so is to invite someone close who needs comfort. Why does it surprise us when the ones we love complain, vent, or express their frustrations to us? It is us they need, not a stranger.

2. Touch is an important component to feeling comforted.

My  3 year old grandson was overstimulated. Cousins had come to visit and the noise and activity levels were high. He was getting tired and not settling into playing with any of them. He had had enough! He found his mother on the couch, threw himself on top of her and would not leave. He was hot and sweaty but he would not leave. With arms wrapped around her he whined and fussed for 20 minutes. She tried to pull him off but he wouldn’t detach. He wanted her to hold him.

Roll the clock forward twenty years. He’s a man now. He’s had a hard day at work, the bills are piling up at home, he feels the pressure of providing for his family. He is stressed. He walks in the door and finds his wife. He makes the moves, drops the hints. (Some hours later) He pulls her close, she wraps him up, they lay in each other arms. He makes no mention of work or stress or bills but he needs this. He is comforted.

Whether three or thirty there is something about human touch that settles us and quiets us. Even when touch is not our “love language” touch is an essential when we need to be comforted. Going cold, withholding, brushing people off is cruel in the face of human distress – but what a difference a hug makes!

3. It is not rational or logical but completely emotional.

Some people think the best way to help others is to problem solve. If we fix it they won’t worry. If we solve it they won’t fear. But there are moments in every day, in every week, in every month a where we have no immediate fix or plan. Its a crappy day. Its a tough life. We suffer.

I am learning that what I need many times in my life is for someone to acknowledge the difficulty of pain. Some of the most comforting things I have heard from my friends have been, “It has to be tough to be in your shoes,” or, “I am sorry this is so difficult for you.” They listen to the long explanations and downloads and then they find my angst and my worry and they make it real. “I can see this is worrying you.”  Or, “I think I would feel the same if I was in your shoes.” It is stating the obvious – restating what has already been said, or even, “I’m sorry you had a rough day.”  Their repeat validates me, their acknowledgement settles me.   Their sadness about my sadness, their understanding about my frustration soothes me and says to me, “You’re normal, and you’re okay.”

Some people think we are more motivated by the “Be strong.” and “Buck up.” or “Quit whining.” approach to pain.  For most of us these approaches increase our level of anxiety because they are shaming, and judgemental. They imply that to struggle is weakness – that strong people don’t feel this way.  But emotions are not weakness – acknowledging them will not make us”soft.”

Sometimes we need to get out of our head, warm up our heart and learn to be okay with emotion.

4. It has a tender voice and a soothing tone.

Although sometimes just a hug, a warm embrace or a hand on the shoulder is all we need, at other times it’s not enough. We need the drone of a mother’s voice, a soft and gentle soothing tone that says, “It’s okay. It’s all right. I’m so sorry you are hurting. I love you honey. Mommy’s here. (or, I’m here – you’re not alone)  It’ll work out, you’ll see. Shhhhhh.” There is nothing more soothing than the quiet tones, the patient moments and empathetic voices of comfort. We were wired to turn to our parents to be taught the necessary skill of self-soothing. Unfortunately, many children didn’t get it.  Therefore many adults escalate quickly into anxiety and panic because they have no internal voices to calm, soothe and quiet themselves. You can’t just silence pain – you need help with it. “You can make it honey. You will be okay.” We can be that voice.

Some say, “How can you say that when its not okay? How do you know that for sure?” Because being okay is not logical – being okay is emotional. People feel – ALL people feel. And it is okay to feel.

5. Comforting is listening.

Because for the most part we believe we need answers, we are often avoidant of people in pain. Grief after a loss, cancer diagnosis, tragedies and problems that have no answers or solutions – they worry us.  If we haven’t experienced them before we don’t know what to say. The truth is to say nothing is okay. Just do what comfort does – touch, soothe, label, validate, say, “I don’t understand but I care.” Most of all, just listen. Be curious. Ask questions. Then listen.

Sometimes people struggle about the same old things, the same people irk them, the same pressures bother them. Yes, we’ve heard it all before.  But it is comforting to have a friend who will listen again, because we are struggling again.  There is a different kind of distress that we feel when our troubles go on and on – a different kind of angst and despair. Comforters are plenteous at the beginning, for a weekend, or a month, but a year? Or two? But do emotions have a time limit? Can we say to them – you’ve had your time allotment?

6. Sometimes I’m not enough, you’re not enough, but God is the God of ALL comfort.

God is very personal, very specific and very understanding of every human condition with its challenges. His comfort can come in many different forms – sometimes He uses me and sometimes he uses you. But sometimes His presence is enough.

I was laying in bed at night, alone. I was adjusting to singleness and finding it hard. My brain was overworking running through all the worries and fears of what life would be like. I could feel my anxiety rising – panic was not far away. In that moment I did what I usually do when overwhelmed – I screamed to God for help. I heard a voice in my head – “the head cannot fix what the heart feels.” Hmmm. Made sense. All my over-thinking, planning, reviewing scenarios, ‘what ifs’, was not helping. Logic could not calm me. I didn’t need answers – I needed comfort. So I had to focus on the feeling – I had to find its name. I had to hear its voice and let it speak. I am worried. I am afraid. I don’t think I can do this. I hate this. And I tell God this – I bring him my child-like feelings and he says, “He knows.” I sense He does. I am comforted.  Sometimes the comforters need comfort. God never grows weary or tired of us.

7. We never stop being His children. We never stop needing His comfort.

A child falls on their trike after disobeying –  riding on the sidewalk instead of staying on the driveway. Their knee is bloody. They hurt. Parent number one comes and says harshly, “Quit your sniffling, get up and get in the house. It serves you right. If you would have listened you’d be fine.” The child limps inside, sucking back the tears, worried about their trike and their bloody knee but suppressing the pain.

A child falls on their trike after disobeying –  riding on the sidewalk instead of staying on the driveway. Their knee is bloody. They hurt. Parent number two runs out, bends down, gathers the child up in their arms, soothes the child quietly. “It’s all right.  Shhh. It will be ok. We can fix this. We’ll take care of this. Come inside.” Holding the child, he takes them to the washroom, wipes the bloody knee, band-aides it and kisses it better. They wipe the tears away, softly and kindly soothing. Then they say, “Do you know now why Mommy wanted you to stay in the driveway?” The child nods, the daddy lifts him down. The child goes back to play.

How many times in our lives have we made choices and mistakes which result in distress and pain? How many times have we expectations or ideals and are disappointed and disillusioned? And yet how many times are we met with criticism, coldness and judgement? No matter the reason, we are all in need of comfort and we all need a loving parental response.

Thank God, He is not quick to judge, or disqualify us because of why we are in distress. Thank God He is parent number two.

We are told in the scriptures that we, “comfort others with the same comfort that we are comforted of God.

Yes, we ALL need comfort. From the people who love us? Yes, but most of all from God. He is the God of all comfort.