Communication 101 – Part III – Stonewalling

John Gottman discovered that a third component that contributes towards marital breakdown in communication is “stonewalling.” According to wikipedia, stonewalling is simply whatever you do to put off talking about an issue.  Some common tactics in stonewalling include giving sparse, vague responses, refusing to answer questions, or responding to questions with additional questions. Other signs of stonewalling are silence, mumbling monotone utterances, changing the subject and physically removing yourself from the situation. In most cases, stonewalling is used to create a delay compared to putting the conversation off forever. 

Common stonewalling responses may be, “Do we have to talk about this now?”, or “I’m tired, can we talk about this later?” Or, “Sure, whatever.” At face value these are good responses, but the problem is the “later” never happens.  And agreement with no follow-through is stonewalling.

Body language can also shut down conversation – the failure to look at the person talking to you, appearing very distracted and busy or looking angry and frustrated for being interrupted because someone is talking to you. Again, being busy or frustrated can be a legitimate response but when no alternatives are offered and followed through on, then it is merely an avoiding response.

For the most part men are more likely than women to stonewall – but as a relationship deteriorates both parties participate. Problems are not dealt with, couples grow apart and silence overtakes the relationship with some bursts of hostility. A constant use of stonewalling in a relationship is the second greatest predictor of divorce. For men who say, I don’t know what happened – here is one of the answers!

So why do men (or women) do it?

Sometimes it is an aggressive response – the silence, cold shoulder, or emotional isolation is intended to hurt their partner to gain power or control. This is common in examples of abusive relationships. The partner seriously wants to control or dominate the less powerful one.  But for the most part, most men who stonewall are overwhelmed by conflict. They truly believe, often because they have never learned how to deal with conflict, that shutting off conflict is the best way to deal with it. These people often say, “I just don’t like conflict.”  Seriously, who does??

Gottman found that just prior to stonewalling the individual has an increased adrenalin response  – indicating stress. In other words, for many people stonewalling is their attempt to protect themselves when they feel stressed. Their “avoidance” is a flight response to stress. Some men really believe this is better for their spouse or family because they are afraid of their own anger or are afraid they will say something they regret – so if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. It is very common that stonewallers had chaos or experienced inappropriate use of anger in their family of origin and now are afraid of creating the same stress in their home.

I cannot emphasize enough that if you are a stonewaller you must change. Though you may feel deeply inadequate you can learn how to deal with conflict. It is a skill – most often a skill that was not modelled or taught to you in the way you were raised. So admit it and realize you need to learn. You can learn how to use your anger constructively, (anger is not BAD!) be assertive and state what you feel and need. You CAN challenge a wrong statement, contribute a different opinion and hold onto your own values in any given argument.  Every 0ne feels inadequate when we begin to learn a new skill, but doing things badly until we can do they well is always a good step forward.

Where to start?

Be responsible. When a complaint is made, be humble enough to admit it.

Be honest. If you don’t know what to do about a problem or complaint, how to fix it, or prevent yourself or others from dealing with it again – just say so. Ask for suggestions and consider each one. You don’t have to take the suggestions, but listen first.

Be real. No one is perfect. Stop believing you have to be to hold onto a relationship. You will fail, hurt one another unintentionally and even intentionally when we are feeling threatened.  But come back to the issue and REPAIR IT. Apologize. Express concern that because of your actions your partner is upset, has been inconvenienced, or has been hurt – acknowledge what they are feeling even if you can’t fix it.

Take breaks. If you feel your temperature rising, your heart rate increasing, be aware of your stress and calm yourself with deep breaths and positive self-talk such as, “Its okay you can handle this.” Or,  “This is different than when I was a child, I have options now.” Or, “Just listen – you can take your time and figure this out.”  You can breathe your way through a lot of stress if you have to. If your partner is coming at you, and you feel you are being attacked or criticized – admit it. “Right now your tone of voice is upsetting me. Can you talk softer, quiet down please.”  Ask for a break. “Can I think about this please? Can you give me a minute please? Can you wait while I think?” “Can I think about this and talk about it at a better time (when? – give them one!), or after I have thought a bit.”  BUT REMEMBER, its up to you then to come back to it later.

If you are getting so angry you feel anxiety or anger rising so that you can’t think, take a time out.  TELL THEM. “I need a break. I’m getting too angry.”  Take a bathroom break, a music break, a TV break – and DONT THINK about it for 10 minutes. Then pick it up again after you have calmed down and rethink the issue. If you have to do this a number of times, you will improve at staying calm and thinking it out. Most partners are understanding if they see you working on your anxiety or anger. TELL THEM what is happening.

So what have we learned so far?

• Stonewalling is anything we do to put off the issue
• Stonewalling will destroy your marriage
• You might feel inadequate but you CAN learn how to handle stress and deal with conflict – its a new skill. You’ll get better if you try.