What’s wrong with Living Together?

Dr. Scott Stanley and his team at the University of Denver did research to determine what the young are thinking about marriage. What they found is that young people are unsure they can count on marriage.

• They simply do not think that it is really possible
• They believe in the ideal and don’t trust it.
• They put it off until they have developed total independence capability, in case the marriage fails.
• They put more trust in their career paths than in the marriage path.

Because of these beliefs most young people put off marrying longer. The average age for men is 27 and for women, 25.

But there is more to it than that. Studies done by Popenoe and Whitehead of over 1000 young people between the ages of 20 and 29 found that most of those who have never married believe that their spouse will be their “soul mate” first and foremost. So they believe, if they find their perfect person they will have a greater chance at  making marriage work. But, how do we find them?

Most young people believe that the best way to find them, and therefore succeed at marriage, is to test it first – hence move in together. This view is held as true in 60 to 70% of all relationship couples.

What is unfortunate is that there is not one shred of evidence to support that anything is learned from the common-law experience. First of all, because there is no commitment at the beginning – a “let’s see” mentality – it does not determine anything more than when a couple dates. In fact, it is more likely that a person in the relationship will be unfaithful than if they are dating with exclusivity. (Doesn’t make sense, but thats the stats!!) A very common response with men, when asked about why they were living common-law,  was”I’m living with her until my soulmate comes along.”

Studies have shown that cohabitation results in a less-successful marriage. Those who married after cohabiting (as opposed to dating, getting engaged or married) were 1.26-1.86 times more likely to divorce. (at the outside that’s almost twice as many!) This same study involving over 40 years of research, showed that when they do marry, there is usually lower marital satisfaction, poorer communication, and more marital conflict. This research hypothesized that the same people who are likely to live together are the same people who wouldn’t do well in marriage because of other factors.

What might those factors be?

Research shows that people who live together compared to ‘daters and then marriage’ are: older, have less education, may have children already, have had many sexual partners, may have divorced or never-married parents, have had more conflict growing up and are less religious.  So I guess if we flip it, you have a better chance if you marry someone who DOESN’T want to live together, has an education, has had no or few sexual partners, has parent’s who are still married, had a relatively peaceful upbringing and who have a religious faith…..

Besides these factors, the other most significant element that predicts a good marriage and supports dating verses living together is the idea of “commitment.”

One of the things the research found in people who co-habitate is at least one of the people like the ambiguity of living together – meaning, nothing is really clear, its all fuzzy, so I can hide out behind “we’re trying this.” This works great for an avoidant person. And it is the more common among men than women.

In the research, on attitudes among those that co-habitate, there was a big difference between men and women’s dedication. One study followed men and women for 7 years from the beginning of their relationship until after 4 years of marriage. They found that the level of a woman’s commitment is more typically higher than the man’s. And as for the commitment of the man that cohabitants – it was lower before marriage and engagement than it was before they moved in. In other words, it dropped! But the level of a man’s commitment if he did not co-habitate remained the same, which by the way was higher to begin with than the man who cohabitates. In other words a man’s dedication to a woman did not necessarily increase through the years of living together. In fact, it typically decreased – if it was ever there at all!

What is really interesting is that having a child together did not result in increased commitment in men. Other things had more effect, such as, paying each other’s credit cards, having a pet together, setting aside money together for vacation plans, making home improvements, signing a lease, having a joint-bank account, sharing a cell-phone contract, joining a gym together, and buying a home together. (Notice the word “together”) – all of these things require an intentional choice. Unfortunately, they don’t necessarily spell commitment to the relationship either, but they do make it more difficult to break up.

The singular, most important element and best predictor of a successful long-term relationship was a decision to commit. It was a clear, “I choose you forever”, “I choose this path.” It has the same strength to it as choosing a career and doing the work and investing the money to follow-through to the end.

What does commitment mean?

It is a decision to make a choice to give up all other choices. It is leaving a previous state (singleness, options, freedoms) to assume another state. It means I am choosing to “unite” – allowing oneself to be exposed, and corrected and changed, in order to make a new state, a new entity called “married.” It involves the same level of attachment that the parent/child relationship employed. Commitment secures the attachment. Finally commitment means WORK! Falling in love happens to us, staying in love is something we do. A heartfelt commitment is not choosing marriage but choosing to do the work that love requires to keep the unity intact.

So if living together doesn’t reveal anything, how do we find our “soul mate?”

Simply put, date for a long time. Watch for your date’s ability to commit to things such as, how they commit to financial goals, how they commit to workplace/jobs,  how they commit to family and friends, how they commit to being monogamous in their sexuality, how they commit to religious practices.  And finally, studies show, wait until you are at least 22 before committing to anyone. What you are thinking can change a lot by then.

So yes, it IS possible to have a good marriage – just don’t think living together will help you find it.

 

References (most central to this article):

Stanley, S.M. Rhoades, G.K, & Fincham, F.D.(2011) Understanding Romantic Relationships among Emerging Adults: New York: Cambridge University Press

Stanley, S.M. & Rhoades, G.K (2009) Marriages at risk…. Doha, Qater: Doha International Institute for Family Studies and Development

Kline, G.H, Stanley, S.M. Markman, H.J. Olmos-Galio, P.A. St. Peters, M. Whitton, S.W. & Prado, L (2004) Timing is everything: Pre-engagement cohabitation and increased risk for poor marital outcomes. Journal of Family Psychology, 18, 553

and numerous more…… (you can request them).