The Pull for Approval

As humans, wanting approval is part of us. When we feel approved of, we feel secure and connected in the relationships we are in. And because all human beings desire some measure of relationship with others, seeking approval motivates us to work hard, work smarter, be kinder and more considerate, and give more.

Approval can also be the measuring stick for personal evaluation and reflection – an answer to the question, Do people like me? Do I measure up?

To those who say, ‘I don’t care what people think of me,’ I would challenge them to look at their decisions and how and what they wear, where they live and what they buy. Its likely somewhere in the mix is a restraint that prevents them from being too odd, or bizarre or out of step with society. Social norms are in fact a form of approval seeking.

Is seeking approval a good thing then? It can be. But then again, seeking approval can go too far.

Seeking approval goes too far when we change, conform or adapt ourselves so that what we do, say or become is contrary to our true selves. It is a lie of sorts, a miscommunication and/or a denial of our true person.

Let me explain.

Mary Joe is a musician. She loves music of almost every kind. She hears music in her head continuously, sings internally and enjoys many different genres when free to find her own choice.

When Mary Joe was dating Phil, who was a strong and determined thinker, planner and entrepreneur, she happily abandoned her music in favor of activities that Phil enjoyed doing. She abandoned music events (too loud or too boring for me, he said), surrendered to listening to the news on the radio while driving (good time to catch up on things, he said), and pocketed her earphones when walking in favor of Phil’s desire to have her listen to him.

However, after each date Mary Joe would return home to “fuel up” from her playlists, vinyl collection or CD’s. It worked well – surrendering her music self when with Phil, but recapturing it when alone.

But then she got married.

Phil complained about her collection, was annoyed when he saw her with earbuds, and rolled his eyes when she opted out for a music event with a friend. He complained about her “crowd,” which made her feel guilty when she didn’t include him. She said nothing. Slowly over time, Mary Joe’s music became marginalized and she silently surrendered her life of music in favor of Phil’s approval.

Mary Joe’s desire for approval went too far. She denied her “self”, she conformed and changed to accommodate him.

After less than 5 years of marriage Mary Joe was struggling with depression, feeling “flat” and lifeless. She was medicated with anti-depressants. Phil regularly chided her for her lack of energy, motivation or will to change. Feeling his disapproval she tried even harder to please him, to “be the person” he wanted her to be in many small but significant ways. She “faked it” for him, all the while sinking farther into depression and despair – blaming herself and believing she must try harder.

When Mary Joe and Phil came for counselling, and we tracked the depression back to the beginning of the marriage, Mary Joe wept for her loss of music and the important part it played in her emotional well being. But was Phil to blame?

It was Mary Joe who refused to fight for herself, to value her own needs and to establish and respect her own differences. It was Mary Joe who sought Phil’s approval so much she changed and morphed herself to be another person.

Phil was surprised and hurt that Mary Joe had said so little, had lacked the tenacity and honesty to tell him the truth, to fight for her right to keep music in her life. Because a few simple comments or complaints were all it took to send Mary Joe into conformity, it was easy for Phil to “take over” her life.

So why did Mary Joe do it? Having grown up in a high conflict home, Mary Joe valued peace more than anything. She believed that to gain Phil’s approval was the pathway to peace. She lacked the tools to know how to negotiate, to state her needs and value her own difference. Mary Joe lacked self respect and in doing so became a victim of approval.

Mary Joe feared being alone. Mary Joe feared standing alone. Mary Joe feared disapproval.

At some point, no matter how much we as humans long for relationships, we all will and must “survive” disapproval.

People will not ALWAYS understand us.

People will not always LIKE us.

People will not always appreciate our DIFFERENCE.

So, can we be okay with disapproval? Can we endure it?

We must!

There are beliefs wrapped around our need for approval, such as was the case with Mary Joe. For example, some beliefs include, if someone doesn’t approve of me I cannot succeed in life. Or, if someone doesn’t like me I will be abandoned and I cannot survive alone. Or, if someone doesn’t like me, they will tell others, and I will never be significant or belong anywhere.

But these are all dramatic, catastrophic beliefs. The truth is our fear of disapproval is often much simpler. For Mary Joe, she just didn’t want a fight.

Think how easy it could have been. Had she made a simple statement of fact at the beginning of the relationship, or anywhere along the way such as – I’m sorry but if you love me, you will need to accept my music; or, music is part of me. I need it to be fully myself –   she would have made herself KNOWN and Phil would have probably accepted her need and her difference. Together they would have worked through the negotiation of win/win and found a way to make it work. Or, Phil would have decided early that she was too different for him and moved on. Either way, Mary Joe would have been herself and retained her love and need for music.

The fear of disapproval, the fear that makes the seeking of approval unhealthy and pathological, is a simple lack of self-respect.

Self respect is the positive belief and internal voice that says, I am fearfully and wonderfully made and, as my DNA has determined, I am unique. My feelings are my own. My desires, passions and drives are unique to me. I am okay. And although I may be in a constant state of growth or “growing up,” today I am who I am.

The voices of self respect say, Yes, I consider you, and your approval of me. I desire to please you (as you desire to please me.) I look for ways to provide accommodation for you and your differences,  as I expect you will do for me.

To sum it up, the need for approval, the good kind, includes a healthy consideration and respect of both the “self” and the “other.”  Never does it deny the person of who they are in favour of who they are expected to be.