In Praise of Men

Since I began counselling full time almost 10 years ago I have had the honour of meeting and engaging with many men. Some weeks I see as many men as women. I have heard them rage and cry and shared with them some of the deepest things of their heart.

I didn’t know ten years ago how much we as a society, myself included, have been influenced by feminist attitudes, how much we have imposed negative values on masculine traits and supported disrespectful and controlling attitudes in women. Men get the rap for failing to communicate, for not expressing their feelings and not supporting the raising of their children. While feminism began with a sincere desire to support equal pay for equal work, and addressed discriminatory attitudes towards women’s ability to do certain jobs, it morphed into, as I see it, an attitude of elitism and disrespect.

Men are different. And the way they think, and the way they feel including their quick angry response to unfairness and injustice is desirable and needed more than ever in society and the home.

So because this is not a book but a blog, let me briefly champion men today on Father’s Day. Men are awesome because:

1. They have a tremendous desire to provide for their family. Good men feel shame and deep inadequacy if they are not meeting the expectation of women financially. This drives them to workaholism and emotional neglect. While women complain about many things, the complaints men actually hear relate to money. “We don’t have enough” strikes an immediate response in most men – and off they go to work,  to work harder and longer.
2. They have a tremendous desire to love their wives. Because women are so caught up in trying to get a man to love them the way they want to be loved, they often overlook the way he already does. A man will protect his wife at any cost. When she complains that the kids are fighting and she can’t handle it, they rise to action. With their bellowing voices they tell the kids to knock it off and get to their room. When a woman complains there’s too much work to do and she’s overwhelmed because she’s working full time, he goes to the big picture and the need once again to get to work and make more money so she doesn’t have to work so hard. His love is expressed in action.
3. They have a great ability to set aside emotion in order to persevere through hard times- daily or in the face of crisis. Because few men live out of their feelings, they don’t give them a lot of value. This is a great quality in times of emergency, war, or distress. They can be the rock when needed and do daily what they don’t feel like doing.
4. They are simple and uncomplicated. Tell them what you need them to do now and they will do it. They seldom overthink or over analyze clear instructions. If they are fortunate enough to live with a good communicator they will find their rhythm and continue faithfully.
5. They are sexually aggressive not just because of their desire for pleasure but to feel the fulfillment and connection found when satisfying their wife. They are fixers and problem solvers so the more a husband hears she is lonely, or disconnected the greater he desires to connect with her sexually.

Are all men this way? At the core I believe they want to be. Many men have given up providing, choosing rather to take care of themselves and their toys because women have sent clear messages that they are not needed and can do as much if not more than they can. Many men have shut off their protective nature because of criticism for the way they handle the kids or make snap decisions. Many men have given up trying to communicate because they’re mocked for wanting actions, for fixing things, and shamed for not revealing their deep emotions. Many men have turned to other places, particularly pornography, to feel adequate and powerful and strong believing that who they are is never enough for the woman they’re with. I’m not blaming women for all of man’s difficulties although I believe many women have lost sight of the strengths of men.  Thankfully, there are many good men out there who have not abandoned themselves and persevere in love.

For all those good men out there… I salute you.