What to Do When You Don’t Measure Up

Some people want to measure up at work, among their colleagues or with their supervisor or boss. Others want to measure up with their extended family, or immediate family members. Some want to measure up with spiritual leaders or fellow faith or community members. Where we want approval or acceptance may be unique to us, but the feeling of blowing it, the anxiety around saying too much or not enough or having a habit or response that causes a frown or comment can be deeply upsetting.

That feeling of “not measuring up” is at the root of many people’s anxiety.

So what do we do when we know or suspect someone dislikes us, disapproves of us, or is annoyed or bothered by something we do or fail to do, something we say or fail to say?

1. DON’T rehearse, replay and rewind trying to review everything you said or did, thinking that by analyzing everything you can fix it. It’s done. It happened. Nothing you think about it now can change it so don’t bother overthinking it.

2. DON’T try to create your defence in your mind or even in a plan to explain your behavior or explain yourself, hoping to gain back what you think you have lost. Explanations about why you are the way you are or why you did what you did only draw attention to the incident and typically make it worse.

3. DO embrace your humanity and your worthiness. You are worthy of love, you have value, you have a right to exist and to be in relationship with others despite your flaws. Our perfect performance can never earn our way into relationships but our presence, the mere fact that we exist and have breath in our lungs has pre-qualified us. We are human, and human beings are always a disappointment to someone. Sometimes we are the greatest disappointment to ourselves. We wish to be perfect but we are not. And yet we matter. We are all valuable to others even as we struggle with the limits of our humanity. Their limits may not be our limits but we all have them.

4. DO embrace forgiveness and growth. We are always learning, in process, making mistakes and growing up through them. It is not doing it perfect that heals us or restores us in relationship with others. It is our decision and their decision to forgive and let it go – to be humble and gracious, to be kind. We cannot control their response; We cannot decide for them if they will be gracious towards us and in doing so accept us with our faux pas. But we can, you can control your own forgiveness and grace – the willingness to forgive yourself, be gracious to yourself and be kind. People who are the most demanding of other’s are usually the most hard on themselves. So begin there. Love and forgive the human in you. And let go of the need to control their response.

5. DO move your focus off yourself. Too much self-reflection leads to creating small things into big things. Put your focus on others, on giving, serving and sacrificing. As you focus on other’s needs, not to gain approval or earn your right to exist, but to lift up, encourage, comfort, support or improve the life of others your own problems fade into the background. The giver is always more happy and content than the taker. Don’t let yourself withdraw, distant, isolate or go shy. Just be who you are. Every human being is a gift with a unique offering woven into their unique DNA. Be the human, growing, developing person you are. That person is always enough.