When to hurt your kids

Does saying no to your kids make them unhappy? Does it make them pout, cry or rage? Do they seem distraught, distressed or anxious? Are they hurt?

Then that’s a good thing.

There are many different kinds of hurts in life. The first and most destructive are those inflicted on us as personal attacks. Examples of this would be excessive teasing, mocking, shaming, or being labeled or sworn at. All of these hurt us and may affect us because they cause us to doubt ourselves and feel ashamed. They attack who we are. They cause us to question whether we are “ok.”

These are the hurts we do NOT want to inflict on our children.

But there are other kinds of things we do while raising children that are perceived as hurt by the child, but are healthy ways to develop the “inner locus of control.”

What does that mean?

A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for everything.

For a child to feel powerful over their world they must understand their own ability to control themselves and take personal ownership over themselves.  For a child to feel powerful they must learn that they ALWAYS have something they are in control of.

It’s good to have a strong will. The human will is our most powerful asset as human beings. However, it’s only a good thing if we have learned WHAT to control. A child who thinks they can control everyone else, but has no self-control is in for a difficult life.

For example, I remember visiting with a family and dealing with a four year old. Joey (name changed) wanted something but mom said no. He immediately went into a major temper. He wailed, flailed his arms, fell on the floor and sobbed. When that didn’t work he screamed at his mom, calling her mean and started kicking her. Mom was exhausted and tired. She was frustrated and exasperated.

I asked permission to deal with it. (I was close to the family)

Taking the child by the hand I more or less dragged him into his bedroom and shut the door. I sat down in front of it so he could not leave. He continued his temper on his floor. Then he started wailing for his mom. 

During this time I repeated the following statements and other related ones:

‘Take a deep breath.’

‘Be still.’  

‘You can do this. You can calm yourself.’  

‘It’s okay Joey, you will get your mom as soon as you calm down.’

“You need to stop. You will not get what you want until you stop.”

I said it at regular intervals, in a calm but firm voice. I did not move. He tried throwing things. I repeated,

‘You need to stop.’

‘You need to calm down.’

‘You will not be leaving this room until you calm down.”

‘I am very patient. I can stay a long time.’

At first he didn’t believe me. He cried, and sobbed and held his head. Then he would switch his approach to anger and kicked the floor and the wall. I waiting, repeating myself.

After about 5 minutes (it seemed longer) he took a deep breath. He shuddered and stopped briefly. I waited for a sec and said, Are you calm now? He glared at me and started again.

I repeated the instructions, firmly but calmly.

A few more minutes.

He stopped suddenly.

I said, ‘I will count to three. If you are calm, I will let you out of this room. But you must treat mommy nicely or we will come back here.’

He said nothing. I counted. He stayed calm. I let him out of the room.

His mother reported to me they had no further tempers for a month.

Then he had one again. She used the same strategy. His tempers stopped.

The goal was not to be more controlling than him. The goal was to help him see HE had control, and he could control himself. Obviously, he had a better chance of getting what he felt he needed if he used his control.

By “winning” – meaning I stayed in control of my own anger and frustration, I was modeling the importance of self-control.

And by my calming statements I was training the child in how to calm himself in the face of adversity. I was helping him develop that invisible internal muscle called his “locus of control.”

That is not to say we don’t suggest ways for them to calm down. I said, “You need to take some deep breaths.”  Or,  “Look at me, Joey. Look at my face. Calm yourself.” But many times they are not ready for those suggestions until they realize they are expected to control themselves. 

Sometimes a child needs to cry for a long time or be upset for awhile (alone and away from anyone who may give them attention) in order for them to realize they DO have control over themselves and maybe its time to stop. They may exhaust themselves, or find a distraction – but either way they are left without external elements to manage their feelings. A positive outcome is when they learn they do have control over their feelings and can act properly even when they feel strongly about something.

And this is true for any age.

When a person of any age learns that they can control themselves even when they cannot control the environment around them, they become more successful in life.

Parents find it difficult to watch their children suffer. To them crying is a sign that their children are in pain. But suffering or “stress” is part of life. Rescuing them does not give them tools to handle it. On the contrary we unconsciously teach them to blame others or try to control external elements to get what they want.

It is for this reason we as parents must “hurt” our children. By saying no and having boundaries for what a child can and cannot do, the child will experience distress and hurt but will soon learn to accept these feelings as part of life. They will learn that others have needs too, people in authority do often tell us what to do, and my happiness is not the only person’s happiness that matters.

We make powerful children when we teach them to self-manage and “get control” of their emotions and feelings when life is difficult to bear.