The Value of a Hard Life

I was reading a book today and ran across a paragraph that so inspired me I stopped to write this blog.

You see, over and over again I meet parents who are fearful and anxious that their parenting will result in a child who is unmotivated, unhappy, and who doesn’t amount to anything in life. I also hear from people who are convinced that unless their partner shapes up, (or their grandparent, or the kids at their school who bully them, or the teacher who doesn’t approach them right or the coach who is too harsh) their kids will forever suffer for the lack of a good model and once again, amount to nothing.

We live in a psychological age that is convinced that what happens to us shapes us – that we are in fact absolutely a product of our environment.

So here’s what I read today in the book “Developing the Leader within You, by John C. Maxwell”

“In their book titled Cradles of Eminence, Victor and Mildred Coertzel wrote about their study of the backgrounds of more than four hundred highly successful men and women who would be recognized as brilliant in their fields. The list included Franklin D. Roosevelt, Helen Keller, Winston Churchill, Albert Schweitzer, Clara Barton, Mahartma Gandi, Albert Einstein and Sigmund Freud. The intensive investigation into their early home lives yielded some startling findings:

• Three-fourths of them as children were troubled by poverty, broken homes, or difficult parents who were rejecting, overly possessive or domineering,
• Seventy-four of the eighty-five writers of fiction or drama surveyed and sixteen of the twenty poets came from homes where they saw tense psychological drama played out between their parents.
• More than one-fourth of the sample suffered physical handicaps such as blindness, deafness, or other cripling disabilities.

Maxwell goes on to say, “Why did these achievers overcome problems while many others are overwhelmed by theirs? They didn’t see their problems as stumbling blocks. They were spurred on by problems and used them as stepping stones. They understood that problem solving was a choice, not a function of circumstance.”

From my vantage, I am leaning more and more to the old-school attitude of “suck-it-up buttercup.” We are presently a culture that values empathy and compassion as the highest virtues. I get that. I would suck as a counsellor if I didn’t!

However, in the family culture there is a danger that while emphasizing one we fail to develop the other. What is the other? The hard work ethic.

The hard work ethic is a mindset that says, we work when we feel like it, we work when we don’t, we keep working til the job is done. And it was underscored with: quit feeling sorry for yourself!

But this is true of more than work. It is true of friendships, of relationships, and of almost every day-to-day mundane thing we do. Life is not easy. Life is difficult. But we suck it up and do it anyway.

We don’t always feel good. We don’t always have a good environment in which to work. We don’t always like the people we live with or work with. We may suffer at the hands of others while we keep doing it.

I love people. My heart is broken when people suffer. And especially kids. But can I just say that I think we have gone too far. I worry that in showing empathy and compassion we are creating a culture of blame, of irresponsible action, and of lost opportunity. When a kid or any person for that matter decides that life is difficult and therefore believes it is an excuse to sleep, hide, shut down or avoid life, they are forever a victim.  But flip it. If a kid sees that life is tough and hard but accepts it and is taught to acknowledge the hurt but then use it as a problem solving platform to overcome and work harder, they can excel MORE in the fact of adversity not less.  In fact coupled with determination and optimism no bad set of circumstances can stop them. They will achieve and they WILL amount to something.

Perhaps we need to be encouraged as parents and leaders to show less sympathy and more tough mindedness. Perhaps its time to call them up and call them out. Life is difficult. But the future is bright. It awaits however, for those who stop whining and keep pushing.

Of course it has to start with us. I much prefer to expect a good life. I much prefer to believe in happiness and pleasure. But is that reality?!

Scott Peck in his book, The Road Less Traveled, says “Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it has been accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

Does it sound like pessimism? Does it feel like despair?  It need not. In fact, I think once accepted it can propel us into action. There is work to do. And I have what it takes. I can do more than I think I can. I am much more capable than I realize.

And so are your kids!