Communication 101 – Criticism

The number one thing most couples say to me when arriving for counseling is “we don’t communicate.” What they usually mean is that when they fight they don’t settle or resolve anything but just end up hurting each other more.

So what about communication? Probably the best researcher in this field is John Gottman, a Jewish researcher from the University of Seattle. He has video taped couples for hundreds of hours over a period of 30 years and has helped us enormously understand what goes wrong. Here are some things he says. I will deal with one concept at a time.

The key is to own what YOU do, and put some kind of reminder out there to stop doing it.  Hopefully this material will become a voice in your head drawing attention to what you are doing that is destructive.  Then you can make a repair.  That means you STOP in mid-stream what you are doing, apologize and ask if you can start again.  If its after-the-fact, then apologize anyway and learn from it. And by the way, if your partner attempts to make a repair – ACCEPT IT – there are no perfect people. Lets keep repairing it until we can get it right.

WOMEN HAVE MORE COMPLAINTS

80% of the time, women bring up the complaints – whether with their partner, or with some problem in the household. This is the reason why women are labeled the “nag.” Truthfully, according to Gottman, it’s not a problem.  So shed the label, and kudos to women for bringing stuff up.

But what could be a problem is HOW complaints are brought up. (So women beware!) When we get frustrated we fall easily into a “harsh startup.” It’s very sad, but couples have a tendency to treat and speak to each other very rudely – in a way they would never address their friends, or their co-workers.

So if that’s you, change it. Hurt and disappointment are really no excuse for disrespectful tones or for command statements. Sweeten it up. Take a deep breath. Is that how you would want to be spoken to?

CRITICISM

There is a big difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is a behavior, or an observable happening. It is, “Honey, you left your shoes in front of the door.” Or, “Mary, I have no clean socks.” A criticism on the other hand is, “Are you trying to kill me by leaving these shoes in front of the door!” Or, “Don’t you do anything around here – why is the laundry never done!”

Simply put, criticisms are conclusions we jump to or decide about after “case building.”  Conclusions can sound like, “You’re selfish.” “You never think of anyone but yourself.” “You’re a slob.” “You don’t love me.” Or, like I said above. “Are you trying to kill me,” “or you don’t do anything around here.”   Case building happens when we store singular events and “sand bag” or “back pack” them into a big case file. This pack or bag or file of complaints soon becomes heavy and burdensome.  More importantly it all adds up to a convincing conclusion.  When we criticize we draw conclusions as to WHY someone does something, we psychoanalyze, hypothesize, and convince ourselves as to the reason why the problem exists. What we do NOT do is stick to one single behavior at a time, deal with it and move on.  For example, if John left his shoes in front of the door, the time to tell him is when it happens, and ask immediately for what you need done. “John, honey, (soft startup) would you please come and move your shoes.” Then we can LET IT GO, and move on. All complaints should be brought up singularly within a 24 hour period of when it happens so the problem can be fixed or something can still be done.

The question I hear a lot is, “Why do I have to ask him/her EVERYTIME I need something done!”  Because that is the nature of ALL human interactions. There are just way too many things to remember and forgetting is not a sign of anything.  A person’s forgetfulness or failure to change is not because they don’t love you or disrespect you.  Just because we make a request does not mean it is in their power to change. Personalities are often set long before they come to marriage. Habits are hard to break. Have YOU ever broke one? Reminders might or might not get the new habit started but by raising it, you will it get off your chest and at least they will come to know and understand the things that bother or upset you. Besides, your tears, your ranting, your yelling and your threats won’t make any difference in the long run. So ask, again and again, and then let it go.

The second question I hear is, “So what if I ask John/Mary and he/she gets angry and calls me a nag or says, “Chill out?”

Bottom line. Keep your mouth shut, your smile on and say, John, honey, please just move the shoes. Repeat, restate, nicely what you need to have done. John’s lack of cooperation is not anything you can control but sand bagging, and filing it is! And jumping to criticisms is simply wrong. You actually have no idea, no matter how smart you are or how much you “know” your spouse as to why they do what they do. And ultimately, you won’t have any more success by storing it up for future bombardment.

So here’s another example.

Mary: John, the kids are needing to be picked up at a birthday party and I was hoping you could do that for me.  John: Why can’t you do it?  Mary: Why is it you expect me to do everything around here. Why can’t you get off your lazy butt and help out?…..”

Can you hear Mary’s criticism?  She is mind reading and stating, as if it were true, that John expects her to do everything. She is name calling and judging him as lazy. What she is not doing is sticking to the issue and answering the question he asked.  She could respond simply by saying, Mary: Yes, I could do it, but I would like to rest at home a bit this afternoon. I’m tired. Would you pick them up please? I would appreciate the quiet time, dear.

When it comes to bringing up a complaint we often speak before thinking ti through. BEFORE you ever raise a complaint, be sure you know what behavior you want changed and politely and clearly make your expectation known. If YOU don’t know what you want done, how on earth will they?

THAT’S RIDICULOUS

So what if it’s just too ridiculous. You’ve asked ten, twenty, thirty times and it never changes. Maybe its time to decide if this is a mountain worth dying on. After all, if we leave off criticizing, and we conclude that they ARE trying, and they DO love us, perhaps we can let it go easier.

I fully believe that most people really love their mate and are not intentionally trying to be a jerk. When we start criticizing, concluding and reading minds we end the marriage all by ourselves. By assuming they won’t change rather than they can’t change, we begin a spiral of negative thinking that includes distancing, punishing or sulking behaviors. We conclude we are not valued, we are not loved and we deserve better. Our goals change, and so does the marriage.

Women in general tend to be overly romantic.  Females guess what others need and generally do really well at storing information about the likes, dislikes and needs of their children and spouse. Maybe this is because babies can’t talk and so there is a lot of mind reading that has to go on. But its easy to assume men are the same. Men are typically (a few exceptions) more likely to pattern themselves after learned behaviors and DOING what needs to be done in the moment, as opposed to looking ahead and imagining what someone might need.  I liked my birthdays, and Christmases a lot better when I stopped hoping my husband would remember and “value” me by remembering a gift . Instead I warned him in advance, gave him a list of what I would like, and put a sticky note on his computer. Not very romantic. But he was proud to give me the gift, and thankful that I made it easy for him. He loved me and he wanted to please me.

I hope you get my point. Communication is factual information. It is stating the problem when the problem happens. It is not reading minds or motives. It is asking for specific behaviors and speaking kindly and softly when we do.

So what have we learned so far?

• Soft Start-up
• Complain, don’t criticize.
• Make repairs if you didn’t get it right.

Next blog:

Defensiveness – making the problem go away.