ANTICIPATORS VS RESPONDERS.

Do you remember the song sung by Aretha Franklin, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T?” Sung by a women, but written by a man, it appeals to us all. Everyone wants it, and some of us demand it. But what is it?

To me, respect is the ability to honor, and accept the differences in others, without attempting to change, manipulate or shame them.

When I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s there was a great attempt by feminists to smear out the differences and blame all sexism on environmental factors – that parents had stereotyped the sexes and schooled their children to be different. For example, women forced their girls into the kitchen and into playing with dolls, and men forced the boys into fighting and wrestling, and into Tonka trucks and guns. They proposed that other than physiologically, we were all the same, and therefore should be allowed to do the same jobs and have all the same opportunities. As women of my generation and beyond emerged confidently to affirm their equality (and rightfully so), many brought with them these notions of sameness.

But men and women cannot compete in the same Olympic sports. Men cannot carry babies in utero. Men and women may have all the same emotions but they do not express them the same. There are hundreds of examples, supported in research, to show that men and women are different in and out. In fact there are 2300 cellular differences and over 100 different brain processes. And while we must never hold any one sex back from pursuing their interests and dreams, to assume we will approach them the same is not realistic.

And yet what is true in biology is also true in relationships.

We are not the same, and we don’t want the same things.

We are angered when we are not understood, hurt when we are not loved as we wish to be loved, and judgmental and critical when our partner’s effort doesn’t match ours.

Imagine any day. A long day. A day filled with activities, work, a quick stop at the grocery store, picking up kids and then arriving home late. Stepping through the door the woman’s mind is already on many things: the groceries to be put away, the meal to be made, the laundry to go in, the shoes in disarray in the closet she passed on the way in and the pile of laundry unfolded in the basket on the living room couch. The woman misses none of this. Or the shouting, hollering, squabbling and complaining of every kid.

Her male partner, on the other hand meanders in, plunks himself down in front of the TV, scrolls through the channels ‘til he finds the news or the game, or casually sits at the table sorting through the mail. Even more possible, husband is still left behind in the “man cave” or in the car with the cell phone.

After plunking the groceries or kid down, the woman, as aware of their spouse as they are of all other things on the list, sighs in exasperation and disappointment either surrendering yet again to the resentment she carries within, or if brave and feeling bitchy, hollers out, “Can I get some help around here.” The tone immediately puts him on the defense. He registers “threat” and either ignores his wife (selective hearing) or silently hunkers down in the man cave or on the phone.

What is wrong with that man, we ask ourselves.  How can they be so selfish, and so irresponsible?

So here is the hard part – the part that a woman cannot understand. Here is the “difference”  – the glaring reality of how men, in just one of many ways, are not women.

Men are not anticipators. Men are responders.

So what does that mean? What is an anticipator?

An anticipator is someone who considers what someone needs before they need it, observes, watches, studies, and makes mental notes of others so that they can “pre-empt” a need. An anticipator believes without a doubt, that this is the true heart of love – one cannot love without anticipating need. Conversely, an anticipator also believes to not anticipate is to not love.

Most frequently women are the Anticipators. As a woman, as a mother, as a nurturer, as a caregiver, as an estrogen-based female she is always in anticipation mode. Estrogen monitors all the female functions of the body – the production of ovaries, the movement of ovaries to the uterus, menstruation, pregnancy and long afterward – the care and nurturing of infants. While there are many good nurturers in men, women come by it honestly. It is routed in our hormones.

In my opinion, it is only rarely found in men – and typically only in men who were raised in the context of many women.

Why is that? When a baby is conceived the Anticipator gets ready for its coming – for nine months they anticipate what this baby will need. Once born they become synced to its movements and its cries. An Anticipator can tell the difference between a hungry cry and an angry cry, and a million other little things. When Anticipator decides to take baby outside, they anticipate what the child will need – milk, soothers, diapers, wipes, a change of clothing. This innate sense of intuition, or readiness or nurturance is part of who they are.

And they anticipate in other ways: They “nest,” making their homes ready for living in. They are concerned for hygiene, appearance, and health concerns.

In their work they Anticipate what is needed, expected, desired and required. Please note this does not mean they are good at planning, at details or administration. These traits are more personality driven than hormonal. But the care, the concern, the worry is female.

How does this relate to marriage? Without realizing it, in many ways women treat their husbands as they do their child (even before they have one). They anticipate what their spouse needs. From the day they begin dating anticipators make mental notes on what pleases their boyfriend, what their preferences are, and what they need. They know in advance when a birthday is coming and they prepare for it. They know favorite drinks, movies and sporting events.

After marriage they know when the laundry basket is full, they know when the sheets are smelly, when the bathroom is out of toilet paper. Unless they are over-extended in work and career, anticipators effectively show love by meeting needs. This is what love is. Its natural for them. It’s just normal.

But hear me out now – when the husband doesn’t act like and think like the Anticipator, the husband is seen as selfishness, callousness and insensitive.

When husband heads home from work he is not anticipating what to feed the family for supper, what housework is waiting for them, what problems the kids are having at school, or what to do for wife who is having a birthday – unless he has been forewarned, and prepared via text or phone calls.

What he is thinking about is the drive, the traffic and whatever else is happening right then.

If they are hungry they will think of food. If they are tired they will think of a couch and a TV remote. Why?

Because they are Responders.

I love the teaching of Mark Grunger who talks about men who think in boxes. He says, men are in only one box at a time.

That means that if they are in the ‘work’ box, they are not thinking of texting their wife at home just to tell them they love them. (Unless it is lunch time and they have been training to move to the “text the wife” box)

If they needing a trip to the store to pick up an item for the car or barbeque they are not anticipating what else their partner might need, so lets call and ask them. They are in the “get-propane-box’ and that’s all. Their wife is not in that box – the propane is.

If we embrace the idea that men are responders not anticipators,  then men need triggers in their immediate environment to cause them to remember. For example, when they arrive home from work and SEE the uncut grass they may be reminded to cut it, or when they walk in the house thirsty and SEE the table set with the glasses, they may be reminded they were supposed to pick up some pop on the way home. Responders live life practically, experientially and immediately.

But they seldom anticipate.

This is very frustrating for Anticipators. Yes, Responders can think ahead and plan a fishing trip, and think ahead and plan to check out the new cars on the lot, but planning ahead is not the same as anticipating needs. And when they plan ahead they seldom worry about how other people will experience what they plan. If THEY like it, they assume you will like it. When you don’t, it’s a surprise.

One might say that Anticipators look at life from a wide-angled lens. But Responders look through a key hole.

So lets bring this home. How do women affect communication in negative ways? Women, i.e., anticipators see a man’s behavior as selfish. For a woman, it’s selfish because it would be for them. They can’t imagine doing anything without anticipating what the needs are of those involved. So to pass a need by is a chosen act of selfishness.

Women shame their men, criticizing and judging them for their “selfish” acts.  For example, “What’s the matter with you? I told you I was tired, and you couldn’t even start supper for me??” Or, I’ve been waiting two hours for you to come home to eat. Why didn’t you call? Or, do I have to tell you EVERYTHING!

It baffles a responder and quite frankly disheartens them. Quite often the anger, and exasperation, and big generalizations and labels men hear from women cause them to feel faulty, damaged, and flawed in some way. Shaming does not motivate them, it hardens them.

The truth is responders have their own strengths. Put a problem in front of a Responder and they can be creative, inventive and practical. They will act quickly when asked kindly, and will usually help if you are specific enough to make your instruction clear.

For the most part I have found Responders quite “responsive” (go figure) when asked to do things.

On the other hand, I find it sad how many times Anticipators are exasperated by Responders who, “don’t think.” I am also saddened by the assumption Anticipators have that Responders don’t care. “If you really loved me, you would know what I like!” A common Responder come-back would be, “I do love me, so tell me what you like.” Anticipators think, if you love me you would know what I need. Responders think, I do love you so TELL me what you need.

So let’s recap:

1. Men and women are equal but different
2. Respect is accepting those differences without trying to change them
3. One of the ways men and women are different is one anticipates, and one responds

Have some fun. Put a piece of paper in front of each of you and your spouse.

Set the timer for one minute.

Say go.

Now write down all the things you know need to get done.

Compare lists.

1. Who has the longer list?
2. How many of the things on your list were things OTHERS needed?
3. How many of the things on the list were the things you needed today?
4. How many of the things on my list were things I need to do because I thought of others’ upcoming needs?
5. How many of the things on the list were things I needed to do because someone told me to do them – I probably wouldn’t have thought of them myself.

Now count your answers.

So Anticipators, let me guess. You won in question #1, #2 and #4. Responders won on #3 and #5.

You’re both winners. The same but different.

What would change if you valued the other?