Helping Teens with Depression

Currently, due to Covid, the incidences of depression among teens are exceptionally high. This is because the teen years are the identity years – of pulling away from the family unit to form new connections, trying out one’s new independent self, and deciding how they are the same and different from their parents and others. Without socialization and activities that allow for that, a teen’s entire being feels in limbo – leading to anger turned outward, or anger turned inward. Small offences, friends who don’t answer texts, abrupt endings to conversations, and no time to physically connect with a buddy or mate causes either frustration or sadness and anxiety leading to hopelessness.

We cannot just “sit it out” waiting for Covid to end because we do not know how long the sit will be. There are more important things than catching Covid. Right now, in my opinion, mental health problems are more of a threat to teens and their families than Covid. Suicide is on the rise, and most parents didn’t think their child would ever do such a thing. We MUST as parents and caretakers act to help teens feel like life is normal.

How do we do that?

1. Break some rules. Find ways for your teen to connect with one or two others in socially distanced, responsible ways. Shooting hoops, skating, swimming, movies, tobaggoning, anything that makes them feel connected and is open to the public. Help them plan (and pay for) a meeting at a restaurant. Help organize the event, chauffeur them and their friends (even if it’s one at at time) if necessary, allow them to entertain one or two. (Yes, I did say that) 

2. Make them keep a routine of sleep/wake cycles. The human body is most naturally wired to the sun. We are healthiest when we wake in the morning and go to sleep in the evening. Youth who stay up half the night and sleep half the day experience more depression symptoms. Napping is not a good idea if kids are healthy. Call them from work, three or four times to get them up. Give them errands that have to be done in the morning… be a source of irritation to them, but get them out of bed.

3. Once they are up and dressed, insist on personal hygiene. It’s not a good plan to hang out in pyjamas all day. Pyjamas suggest it’s time to sleep, relax or be on vacation. If possible, start the day with a trip to Tim’s (or some other place) that requires them to dress, shower and look half decent (even if it’s take out.)

4. Get them out of their room. Set up the computer in the kitchen – make them move locations to play games, or watch TV or do school. Buy a puzzle and set it up on the table – if they wander by they may stop for a few moments. Require they eat with you and talk to them at least 20 minutes a day – without allowing interruptions from technology. I cannot emphasis this one enough. It saddens me to realize many kinds never leave their room – they eat there, do school there, and talk to friends there. But more important, many teens have NO conversation with their parents other than to grunt back when mom says lunch is in the fridge. We will ALWAYS need our parents, whether we ask for attention or not. A teen does not have control over his whole world yet – so insist on interaction, conversation and joining you at the table, on the couch or out for coffee. And when you have them near, give them undivided attention.

5. Get them to help you – do whatever – set the table, make a meal. This is a great time to teach them to cook, to buy groceries, lightbulbs or anything else. If they can drive, make them a detailed list and send them out. Yep, its easier to do it yourself but this is a good time to help them learn. Just be sure you don’t jump all over them if they bring home the wrong stuff.

6. Find a motivator and reward them – for 5 days of exercising (they have to show you some kind of proof?), for 5 meals cooked, for 5 times of being outdoors for at least 50 minutes – that new shirt, or game card is there’s when they can prove what they’ve done. What can you do to help create motivators.

7. Make them Bluetooth their music to a sound device (you may have to tolerate some new music!) or youtube to the TV rather than sitting with earphones. Earphones isolate and keep conversation from happening.

8. Don’t allow pot smoking anywhere in the house or yard. Discourage the use of it altogether and don’t give them money to buy it. There are tons of studies to support the fact that pot causes depression and other mental health disorders. Yes it may mellow them out, or make them feel less anxious about something, but it is an addictive substance and medicating emotions is not the best choice ever.

9. Don’t let them label themselves. There is a difference between having depression symptoms or feeling depressed and owning it like a disease. “I have depression,” or calling it “my depression” is subconsciously victimizing the person. Depression and anxiety are not a thing you have, it’s a set of symptoms you present and a set of ways you think. Very few people have chemical imbalances: most get stuck in negativity and hopelessness which if left alone, will lead like a corkscrew down into other physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, aches and pains, trouble concentrating, forgetting things, and appetite changes. It is quite amazing how our mind can affect our body. Most depression is treatable by confronting thoughts (more later on this) and replacing them, and by simple changes to diet, routines, and getting more active.

9. Confront distorted thinking by kindly challenging them. Don’t be afraid to challenge thinking but don’t tell them they are wrong to think that way. Just steer them to better thoughts. Here are some common ways people think when they are getting depressed:

a. Most problems are ‘never’ and ‘always’. They may say things like, They never want to hang out with me. She is always busy. I will never get to do anything again. My whole life sucks. Without any impatience or rolling of your eyes, remind them when they did hang out, when their friend wasn’t busy, and what part of their life they have been enjoying. Change ‘always’ to ‘sometimes’ or ‘frequently’ and correct them. Why? Because ‘always’ and ‘never’ make no room for the possibility of change and make us feel hopeless.Everything we say and do that appears hopeless leads us to despair.

b. It will never turn out. Even if I call them, they won’t answer back. Even if I try to cook, I’ll just screw up. My friend won’t want to do that, so why ask her? They might be right sometimes, but there is a good chance they could be wrong. We will never get anything we want if we don’t believe in the possibility of goodness. Believing that good things might happen encourages us to risk. Predicting negative outcomes is the kind of thinking that can easily become habitual and again, foster hopelessness.

c. It’s too much to handle. Let’s say, your teen calls a friend and invites them but their friend is busy. I knew it. They never want to be with me. They don’t care about me at all. I’ve lost all my friends and I’ll never have any again. I hate this Covid, nothing will ever be the same again. (Long rants filled with lots of emotion and distorted thinking such as over-generalizing, ‘nevers’ and negative predictions.) This may include crying or yelling or throwing things. We need to be straight with them and say, ENOUGH. Empathy is a good thing but can be carried too far. It’s important that children (of all ages) learn to handle their emotion and not give in to everything they feel. Our emotions need not control our actions. Focus on the behavior and call it into discipline. Acting out is an unhealthy way to surrendering to feelings. Instead, focus on what’s next. “Ok, so this is upsetting and I’m really sorry. But what else can we do…?’ Or, ‘I understand this is disappointing but life is hard sometimes. We have control of our choices and responses – what can we choose to do now?’

d. It’s always bad. Depressed people see only the bad and forget the good. It’s a great habit to start and end every day with a list of at least 3 things that were good today. Table top conversation should include positivity – appreciation for anything and everything. Celebrate the good weather, time to spend together, new game you learned, new food you tried, and anything else that was half-ways good. But don’t preach – model positivity and spend some time of those 20 minutes together showing appreciation for anything they did good that day. Compliment clothing, makeup, showering, tidying – something, anything. Covid is hard for everyone right now, including you, but be the bigger person. Stay strong. Be positive.

e. It’s what I feel. They may feel worried, anxious, sad, lonely or angry. They are not a bad person for feeling lousy. So telling them to quit feeling sorry for themselves might be the truth but is not helpful. It is better to accept the feeling in one simple empathetic statement such as, ‘Yes, I understand that is upsetting for you, or makes you sad, or makes you angry. I am sorry things are so difficult right now.” Leave a few minutes to let it sink it, for them to see you are sincere, but then ask, “So what shall we do now with what you feel? If you stay with this feeling what will your day look like? Do you think it might be a good idea to distract yourself or do something that will help you feel better? Give them tools, ideas, but show an expectation that they can manage that emotion and do something positive despite how they feel in the moment. A feeling reveals something about our expectations about life (and of course, we all have expectations) but it should not control us. Our will is stronger and our brain is smarter than our feelings. Teens need help with action steps to manage their emotions. To help them, ask yourself, what do you do when you feel this way? Teach them.

I understand it’s been a difficult time for everyone, including parents. I also understand that in some ways Covid is a break for parents – from lots of running around and busyness. But it’s no break for the kids. Covid still requires parental involvement – just a different kind. If kids are in school, that helps, but it’s not enough. Therefore, understand that even though teens may have adult bodies and express their opinions in adult ways, they are not adults. They cannot handle long periods of aloneness (even introverts). They do not have the tools to manage long periods of time without plans and activities. Sometimes you have to take some risks because it’s a quality of life issue. Decide what you can do – but just do something.

We’re in this together.