Lessons on Communication from the Sandbox

Imagine two children, Sally and Samuel playing in their own respective sandboxes. They went to sandbox Camp because they are friends and they thought it would be fun to go together.

Let’s assume both have played in sandboxes before. Sally always built a castle in hers. Samuel always built tunnels and highways and construction sites (good for demolition). But they didn’t know that when they went to Camp.

Both of them expected the other to play with them doing what they enjoyed. Sally thought Samuel would help her in castle building. Samuel thought Sally would get excited about road building and clap and cheer when the ‘explosions’ happened.

They each have sand toys provided for them but they are different. And they are using their toys in their own way.

When they arrived at camp they immediately went to the sandboxes, each working side by side. Time went by.  Sally is playing quietly when sand comes flying into the air and lands on her hair. She stops, looks over at Samuel and noticed there was no castle emerging. What’s wrong, she wondered. She peeks over. There are hills of sand and deep holes and then a Big Bang followed by an explosion of snad.

Surprised and annoyed she thinks, “Hey that’s not how you use a sandbox.” What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t play right? Must be because he’s never been to camp before!

So she starts hollering over.  “Hey, you’re not doing this right.”

He ignores her. He knows he’s doing it right.

She persists and says again, “No, that’s not the way it’s done. Would you like some help?” (Sally’s a nice girl.)

He ignores her again. He is getting ready to orchestrate a large crash on his demolition site.

And he does.

Sand goes flying everywhere.

Sally hollers, “Hey I told you you’re doing that wrong. Look, you’re getting sand everywhere. What’s your problem?? You need help!”

He stops. He notices the sand on the floor. He sees her angry and frustrated face. He’s a little confused.

Is he bad? Samuel likes girls and he likes Sally. But she is unhappy with him so maybe he’s done something wrong.

His hesitation is an invitation for Sally to get into his sandbox. “Here, let me show you,” she says.  “This is a better way to play.”

And slowly Sally takes over his sandbox. She’s happy, she has someone to share a sandbox with and she is helping him do “sandboxing” better.

He is watchful. It’s not much fun and its awkward. He liked the way he did his sandbox. But now he doubts himself: maybe the way he plays is wrong?  Is it? Sally seems to think so. She keeps saying, “I know you’ve never been to camp before, but that’s okay.” And then, “I know you have never had anyone teach you about sandboxes.”

 But that doesn’t feel okay. It sort of makes him feel like something’s wrong with him.

After a while he starts to feel controlled. He is getting resentful. He thinks,  “Who made the “sandbox” rules? Who says it has to be for castle making?”

He gets angry. They fight. He shouts at her, “Get out of my sandbox.”

They play alone now. Samuel finds other friends at camp who like tunnels and demolitions. Sally finds friends who get it – they know sandboxes are for castle building.

And this is what people do with their relationships. They have expectations. They have rules. And without realizing it they start controlling each other’s sandboxes. Or they start shaming or analyzing their partner for being different from them and having life a different approach.

“You’re just like your mother,” we say, knowing, we had conflict with our mother.

“You never had any siblings,” we say, “that’s why you communicate so badly.”

There’s something wrong with you if you play with sand a different way.

But just as our personalities are different, our history is different. And our approach to our work will be different. Because we approach things differently there will be misunderstandings. These misunderstandings can be sorted out if we do not interpret what is happening incorrectly.  We need curiosity. We need to ask, “Tell me why you approached it that way?” Or, “Tell me what you like about the way you play with sand?”

As you read this “real life” example, consider the sandbox.

May wants her husband to spend more time with the kids. So in her mind, she has envisioned the family going to the park for a picnic and kicking a ball around. She drops a hint during the week something like, “Hey, I thought we could do something on Saturday together.” Husband Gary nods.

Saturday morning comes around and Gary is heading out the door when she says, “Where are you going?” Gary says, “Just out to the shop to work on the quads. Jim’s coming over.”

“I thought we were going to spend some time with the kids today? Go on a picnic or something,” she replies.

“Go on a picnic? Nah, I want to get these quads working before the summer’s gone.”

“But why can’t you do that on Sunday, or next week?” 

“I told Jim to come over today,” he says.

“Why does he always have to come over? You spend way too much time with him. I think he matters more to you than the kids.”

 “Look, I want to get the quads done so Michael and Mitch (his kids) and I can take them out next weekend.”

“Yeah but I wanted to have a picnic today. The weather is nice for change.”

“Well go have one – go without me, or let’s go later.”

“No, it gets too cold in the evening. Can’t you do that later?”

Frustrated she stands and broods. Her anger rises. She blurts out. “You know what, I think you’re just afraid of having a real conversation with the kids. You’re just like the rest of your family. All you know to do is quad and sled.”

Exasperated he leaves, shutting the door with a bang behind him. He feels defeated and angry. His plan to take Michael and Mitch out has lost some of its joy.

 How is this like the sandbox? How is she like a Tutor?

She wanted her plan. He wanted his. When he doesn’t embrace her plan she starts managing his time and assuming the worst about his intentions. Forgetting to keep the problem the focus (time with kids and family together) she jumps to anger.   (There’s the sandbox.)

Finally she analyzes and judges him. (There’s the Tutor) Why? Because in her mind picnicking is the right way to spend time with the kids. Her way of thinking, which is so natural for her, it is the right way to think.

Did you know that your sense of what’s “right” might not always be right for everyone else. (Just try doing a renovation project together!)

What’s interesting is Gary wanted time together too but he had a different plan. He actually did think about his kids when he thought about getting the quads going.  Is his plan better or worse than hers? It’s different. It’s just not what she pictured. And its not what he communicated.

We could blame Gary for not explaining and of course he carries part of the responsibility for not communicating his intentions. But in my experience judgments rather than questions bring a halt to communication. So does control – why can’t you do it this way, why can’t you do it that way….

More importantly, and in keeping with the theme of this post, what if she stopped herself from judging her husband and then reacting, and asked a question – Are you still committed to doing something with the family today? If so, what had you thought of doing?

Because we are different we have different plans and expectations. The caution is to be careful not to take over another person’s life to get things our way.

So let’s wrap this up.

The hard part of living with someone is communicating our plans without controlling their response and without manipulating, shaming or controlling their actions.

The other hard part of living with someone is realizing that we may always have different ways of getting the same things – or if not exactly the same thing, a variation of it.

Want to repair your relationship?

 Ask more questions. Don’t assume or judge motivations. And be careful not to take over re-ordering another adult’s life just to make it work for you. Be responsible for your own journey, and let them be responsible for theirs.

OWN it.

1. When you are disappointed with your partner’s approach or his/her actions, do you tend to lecture, parent or re-configure his life to make him mold to your way of thinking?