When Family Conflict Escalates

As human beings we all want to belong somewhere. Typically we find those needs met in our families. Our need to belong, being as huge as it is, propels us into all kinds of conflict situations. We long to sort things out, fix things, and agree on things. Many times our attempts to do just that seem to make the problem worse. That typically leads to exasperation, blaming and more conflict.

It is possible however, to have less conflict, or resolve it faster if we paid attention to the key element that escalates it. It is called “triangulation.”

What is triangulation?

Mary (A) is having a disagreement with Sally (B) about the mess in the apartment. They are cousins and they live together. Mary confides in her mom June about how unreasonable and cranky Sally is. June (C) feels so bad for her dear sweet Mary, she just can’t believe how Sally could treat her that way. So later that week, when June is having coffee with her sister-in-law Colette (D) she shares with her how upset Mary is about Sally’s mistreatment of her. Collette, loving her dear daughter Sally as she does, defends her and, in turn criticizes the way Mary is managing her world and her life. (After all if Mary would get her act together, Sally wouldn’t be so unhappy with her!)

Now June is hurt and angry. She reminds herself of past problems with Sally and shares them with Mary – to help her feel better of course and to believe she is not the problem. Mary is hurt even further. She didn’t know Sally was such a bad person, but now, “it all makes sense.” She becomes more sensitive to Sally’s complaints and acts defensively. Sally feels the distance in the relationship even though the two girls were getting along fine for over a year.

And guess who Sally talks to – her mom, Colette. And so it goes…. the offence growing in the telling until Mary and Sally decide to separate and get their own place.

What went wrong? Mary triangulated….

Triangulation occurs when an outside person intervenes or is drawn into a conflicted or stressful relationship in an attempt to ease tension and facilitate communication.

The motives in triangulation quite often are quite noble. Most people who get involved in other people’s conflicts do so because they hope to resolve problems. They believe they are acting as supports, being a good friend, or good parent.

But the rule of thumb for all conflict is, if A is upset at B, they need to face off with each other and not involve others. They need to “work it out” which is literally, work. Resolving conflict takes listening, understanding, owning stuff and patience. But the more people who get involved the less likely it will happen.

This also works even if we think there might be an offense., if B thinks A is upset with them they go to A as well. Whether we at the one wronged, or we think we may have done something that wronged another, the FIRST course of action is face to face.

So using the story of Mary and Sally…..if Mary wanted to solve the problem she should have first gone back to Sally. It was okay that she vented on her mother, but mom should have been wise enough to say… “Honey, I’m sorry you are hurt by Sally. I’m sure that was difficult to hear. But why don’t you just wait a day or two and sit down with her and talk it out. You guys are family, and I’m sure you can find a way to settle this.” Mom I have offered suggestions of ways to resolve it or given her some practical advice. In this way she could have been a good support without triangulating.

So what if Mary approached Sally and tried to resolve the apartment mess issue but it got worse? Then Mary could have asked another neutral person, perhaps either mom to help out. She could have said to Sally – “My mom wants to help us resolve this so I have invited her to come.” Perhaps, then June (or Colette) may have been a positive influence in the situation.

Does your family have conflict that seems unresolvable? There is hope.

Encourage the two people who originally offended one another to sit down together, without the involvement of C or D, and go back to the original offense to find a win/win solution. It just may work.

Also if C and D (and E, F, G, H…..) all agree to back out, stop discussing or involving themselves in the original problem, (and perhaps apologize for their involvement), things may yet settle back down. Sometimes we need to back track and say, “I’m sorry, I love you but I should never have gotten involved with this situation. It really had nothing to do with me.”

And if none of that is possible? Then the last method of resolving conflict is to have all parties in one room together with a mediator who directs the process.  But first those who were not initially involved apologize for their involvement. The problem can then be identified and worked through.

Families that guard against triangulation typically have much fewer conflicts.