When Boundaries Go Wrong

There is a lot of talk about “boundaries” now adays. It has become a well-used term particularly when dealing with people who have a negative effect on our life. But let me give you a few cautions.

1. Boundaries were not intended to isolate people from each other – they were intended to foster healthy relationships.

Should you buy a house in a new neighborhood, before landscaping has been done, it could be confusing to know where one person’s property ends and another’s starts. There are all kinds of disagreements that could happen if we didn’t have a surveyor’s document that makes it clear whose yard is who’s. Without it, we could argue about where the garden goes, where the fence goes, where the kids play etc. But with boundaries we can live with the neighbors and avoid lots of conflict by simply having the surveyor put down the stakes. Stakes make things clear and helps us avoid needless arguments.

Consider this situation: George and his family moved into a new community. There were no fences yet and most of the yards had no landscaping. George immediately spent money on sod so his kids could play. But over the next few days there were piles of poop on his yard. He soon realized the neighbors had dogs that they left unrestrained. It seems his new sod attracted the dogs. What should he do? He could immediately call the City Animal Dept to pick up the dog. (This was the law!) He could pick up the poop and drop it on his doorstep (but then he is still doing the work and the neighbor would have to guess who was putting it there) Or, he could approach his neighbor, exchange pleasantries and ask for some cooperation. What would the neighbor suggest he do? How would the neighbor like to deal with this? This exchange of goodwill may or may not get results but is still a better approach to the heavy-handed punitive measures. Why? Because they will live on the same block together for a very long time, and relationships matter. This approach focused more on maintaining relationships rather than alienating people.

2. In relationships, boundaries are not intended to communicate rights, but needs. This is where the yard analogy breaks down.

Let me give you an illustration. Susan had a sibling who is particularly mean. From the time they were children, Susan would get teased and shamed and mocked for most everything she did. This habit of teasing carried on into adulthood so that in any given family function she was sure to experience his sarcasm and mockery. It was hurtful. Susan had tried different things when she was younger such as angry outbursts and walking out. But these made her other family members frustrated. Why can’t the two of you just get along, they would say.  So, she had given up and silently suffered his comments. Susan knew it was time to do something different when he started teasing her kids. She had heard about boundaries and decided she would tell the whole family she wasn’t inviting him anymore to any events because she would not expose her kids to him. It had been quite awhile since they had all been together. The family was sad when she hosted an event and he was not included. Most of the family liked him.  But was this an appropriate “boundary?” Yes, she was safe but isolated. In counselling, we decided on a better option. First, she had to speak to her brother about what she needed. She could meet him for coffee and speak to him alone, or write him a letter or email, or bring someone in the family with her for support. But to do so would involve – WHAT – what was it he did that she wished to see changed, WHY ? What was the IMPACT on her? How did it make her feel, how did it hurt her, why did it hurt her? But MOST IMPORTANTLY,  what she needed most was the NOW?  – What did she need from him NOW. What she needed from him was much more than a change of behavior. She needed a better RELATIONSHIP.

To remember this process think of WIN. (What, Impact, Need)

It sounded something like this: Bill, you’ve probably noticed I haven’t invited you to my house for a long time. That’s because when you tease me and mock me with sarcasm, it makes me feel small and stupid and hurts me. I’ve been angry at you and tried to fight back. I don’t like how this makes me feel, and I don’t think you hear me anyway when I’m mad.  So this whole situation makes me want to pull away from you, and pull my kids away from you because they will get hurt too. But what I want is for me to have a closer relationship with you because you are my brother and are important to me. I also want my kids to have a relationship with you but I want them to be safe. So next time we are together I need you to watch carefully what you say, and focus on saying things that are encouraging and uplifting, not hurtful. Because this is what’s important, if you start being sarcastic and teasing, I will call you out. I will be kind but firm but I will correct you.  If you don’t make a change I will no option but to distance myself from you. Clearly, this is NOT what I want! I want and I need a warm, respectful relationship with you and with my kids.

Will this approach guarantee a good result? No because Bill has a choice in his response. But what is so often missing in boundary setting is sharing the heart – making ourselves vulnerable and showing our desire for good relationships. People tend to focus on their rights, or what is right or wrong in what other people do. They act as the authority, the police and the judge. In doing so they are harsh, angry and demanding rather than soft, sad and inviting. “I want you. I need you. Will you try?” invites cooperation and has a whole different motivation than punishment.

Do we need boundaries – that is, the ability to say no and to not allow others to hurt, wound and take advantage of us? Absolutely. But how we set them can make a great difference in what kind of response we receive. Find your heart first, your need, your desire – and from that place draw your line in the sand.