At some time, everyone has said it.

Forgiving others is not always easy. Sometimes it feels impossible.

Why?  Because what happened was wrong, and it will always be wrong.  It’s justice we need, not forgiveness!

For most people, getting justice means staying mad, enraged, or hostile and staying away, disconnected and intolerant. Some people secretly (or not so secretly) wish harm for those that hurt them, wish for an opportunity to make them suffer, to punish the wrong-doer and make them pay. To them, this is justice.

The sad thing is, there is never enough punishment to satisfy and cancel out the depth of a person’s pain –  and there never will be. Justice is only serves as a deterrent for others – for the victim, it is never satisfied.

I have seen this to be true in simple matters such as in marriage where one spouse hurts another – with horrible words, or unfaithful acts, or disgraceful expenditures. Can we ever make it up, prove we are sorry, or regain trust? I say no.

Consequences have their place, we need to be taken seriously, we need to make our presence/needs felt. We need to give ourselves dignity, value and in that way speak up and speak out and demand some kind of restitution. But how much, and for how long? And what is being accomplished, helped, served or satisfied?

The sad thing is the victim is stuck. As long as we sit in the seat of judgement we cannot move on.

And we need to move on, out of our pain, out of our anger, out of re-living it, remembering and re-experiencing painful things again.

That’s why we need to forgive.

Because anger and/or revenge keeps it alive, we are repetitively hurt, repetitively angry, bitter or sad. We are easily reminded, easily “triggered,” and weighted down by past pain.

And we are never reconciled.

That’s okay, you say, I want them as far from me as possible.

But what we don’t understand is that anger and bitterness are not selective. A shield of anger raised in one direction affects every direction. It comes between everyone, even those we love the most. Emotions are that way. They are triggered by random things and by loving people, unexpectedly. When we are on guard, we are on guard with others who are unrelated. We pay the debt forward – watchful of anyone, anything that smells or smacks of the past offence. We think people should understand – “You know what happened to me,’ we say, “How could you do that to me?”

Forgiveness is vital. We lay down the shield. We cancel the debt. We leave it behind. We let Justice serve herself. We let the Reaper reap what she has sown.

Some people say, I will forgive, but I will never forget.

There are two kinds of forgetting – the automatic remembrance, that comes unbidden, smells the same, looks the same and brings an automatic reaction. That I cannot control.

But then there is what we do next. If we have chosen to forgive and “let it go,” we respond to the memory with a quick, “We’re not going there.” We choose to slam the door on the ringing doorbell. We turn away from the memory, we disregard it, we distract ourselves, we shake our heads and shed it out of our conscious thought.

If we have chosen to forgive, we chose not to remind others of it, to not bring it forward into the next fight, the next event that may look or smell the same – instead we take each new event as a singular situation, and respond to it without the weightiness of the past. In this way we “forget.”

I cannot begin to tell the stories of people’s whose lives were transformed and healed of traumas, tragedies, wounds and hurts when they forgave.. Never assume that forgiveness is equal to the depth of an experience. By comparison, your story may feel more severe than another’s and you may justify holding on because the hurt was so severe. But bitterness is not measurable – it does not correlate to the situation at hand.

All offences, small or great need to be forgiven – for our sake. Because without letting it go we give the perpetrator the “right of affect.” We surrender our peace to their control, and we remain forever stuck in our own poor choice.

Forgiveness reconciles, it heals, it restores. It restores us to our former self of trust, peace and joy. And it reminds.

It reminds us of our own humanity, our own failures, brokenness and human limitations.

“I would never do something like that,” you may say. No, but you will do something – something disappointing, something neglectful, something hurtful. And you will feel the isolation, the anger and the hurt of another’s response.

Forgiveness opens the door for reconciliation. For reconnection. For hope.

Forgive.

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Let’s assume both have played in sandboxes before. Sally always built a castle in hers. Samuel always built tunnels and highways and construction sites (good for demolition). But they didn’t know that when they went to Camp.

Both of them expected the other to play with them doing what they enjoyed. Sally thought Samuel would help her in castle building. Samuel thought Sally would get excited about road building and clap and cheer when the ‘explosions’ happened.

They each have sand toys provided for them but they are different. And they are using their toys in their own way.

When they arrived at camp they immediately went to the sandboxes, each working side by side. Time went by.  Sally is playing quietly when sand comes flying into the air and lands on her hair. She stops, looks over at Samuel and noticed there was no castle emerging. What’s wrong, she wondered. She peeks over. There are hills of sand and deep holes and then a Big Bang followed by an explosion of snad.

Surprised and annoyed she thinks, “Hey that’s not how you use a sandbox.” What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t play right? Must be because he’s never been to camp before!

So she starts hollering over.  “Hey, you’re not doing this right.”

He ignores her. He knows he’s doing it right.

She persists and says again, “No, that’s not the way it’s done. Would you like some help?” (Sally’s a nice girl.)

He ignores her again. He is getting ready to orchestrate a large crash on his demolition site.

And he does.

Sand goes flying everywhere.

Sally hollers, “Hey I told you you’re doing that wrong. Look, you’re getting sand everywhere. What’s your problem?? You need help!”

He stops. He notices the sand on the floor. He sees her angry and frustrated face. He’s a little confused.

Is he bad? Samuel likes girls and he likes Sally. But she is unhappy with him so maybe he’s done something wrong.

His hesitation is an invitation for Sally to get into his sandbox. “Here, let me show you,” she says.  “This is a better way to play.”

And slowly Sally takes over his sandbox. She’s happy, she has someone to share a sandbox with and she is helping him do “sandboxing” better.

He is watchful. It’s not much fun and its awkward. He liked the way he did his sandbox. But now he doubts himself: maybe the way he plays is wrong?  Is it? Sally seems to think so. She keeps saying, “I know you’ve never been to camp before, but that’s okay.” And then, “I know you have never had anyone teach you about sandboxes.”

 But that doesn’t feel okay. It sort of makes him feel like something’s wrong with him.

After a while he starts to feel controlled. He is getting resentful. He thinks,  “Who made the “sandbox” rules? Who says it has to be for castle making?”

He gets angry. They fight. He shouts at her, “Get out of my sandbox.”

They play alone now. Samuel finds other friends at camp who like tunnels and demolitions. Sally finds friends who get it – they know sandboxes are for castle building.

And this is what people do with their relationships. They have expectations. They have rules. And without realizing it they start controlling each other’s sandboxes. Or they start shaming or analyzing their partner for being different from them and having life a different approach.

“You’re just like your mother,” we say, knowing, we had conflict with our mother.

“You never had any siblings,” we say, “that’s why you communicate so badly.”

There’s something wrong with you if you play with sand a different way.

But just as our personalities are different, our history is different. And our approach to our work will be different. Because we approach things differently there will be misunderstandings. These misunderstandings can be sorted out if we do not interpret what is happening incorrectly.  We need curiosity. We need to ask, “Tell me why you approached it that way?” Or, “Tell me what you like about the way you play with sand?”

As you read this “real life” example, consider the sandbox.

May wants her husband to spend more time with the kids. So in her mind, she has envisioned the family going to the park for a picnic and kicking a ball around. She drops a hint during the week something like, “Hey, I thought we could do something on Saturday together.” Husband Gary nods.

Saturday morning comes around and Gary is heading out the door when she says, “Where are you going?” Gary says, “Just out to the shop to work on the quads. Jim’s coming over.”

“I thought we were going to spend some time with the kids today? Go on a picnic or something,” she replies.

“Go on a picnic? Nah, I want to get these quads working before the summer’s gone.”

“But why can’t you do that on Sunday, or next week?” 

“I told Jim to come over today,” he says.

“Why does he always have to come over? You spend way too much time with him. I think he matters more to you than the kids.”

 “Look, I want to get the quads done so Michael and Mitch (his kids) and I can take them out next weekend.”

“Yeah but I wanted to have a picnic today. The weather is nice for change.”

“Well go have one – go without me, or let’s go later.”

“No, it gets too cold in the evening. Can’t you do that later?”

Frustrated she stands and broods. Her anger rises. She blurts out. “You know what, I think you’re just afraid of having a real conversation with the kids. You’re just like the rest of your family. All you know to do is quad and sled.”

Exasperated he leaves, shutting the door with a bang behind him. He feels defeated and angry. His plan to take Michael and Mitch out has lost some of its joy.

 How is this like the sandbox? How is she like a Tutor?

She wanted her plan. He wanted his. When he doesn’t embrace her plan she starts managing his time and assuming the worst about his intentions. Forgetting to keep the problem the focus (time with kids and family together) she jumps to anger.   (There’s the sandbox.)

Finally she analyzes and judges him. (There’s the Tutor) Why? Because in her mind picnicking is the right way to spend time with the kids. Her way of thinking, which is so natural for her, it is the right way to think.

Did you know that your sense of what’s “right” might not always be right for everyone else. (Just try doing a renovation project together!)

What’s interesting is Gary wanted time together too but he had a different plan. He actually did think about his kids when he thought about getting the quads going.  Is his plan better or worse than hers? It’s different. It’s just not what she pictured. And its not what he communicated.

We could blame Gary for not explaining and of course he carries part of the responsibility for not communicating his intentions. But in my experience judgments rather than questions bring a halt to communication. So does control – why can’t you do it this way, why can’t you do it that way….

More importantly, and in keeping with the theme of this post, what if she stopped herself from judging her husband and then reacting, and asked a question – Are you still committed to doing something with the family today? If so, what had you thought of doing?

Because we are different we have different plans and expectations. The caution is to be careful not to take over another person’s life to get things our way.

So let’s wrap this up.

The hard part of living with someone is communicating our plans without controlling their response and without manipulating, shaming or controlling their actions.

The other hard part of living with someone is realizing that we may always have different ways of getting the same things – or if not exactly the same thing, a variation of it.

Want to repair your relationship?

 Ask more questions. Don’t assume or judge motivations. And be careful not to take over re-ordering another adult’s life just to make it work for you. Be responsible for your own journey, and let them be responsible for theirs.

OWN it.

1. When you are disappointed with your partner’s approach or his/her actions, do you tend to lecture, parent or re-configure his life to make him mold to your way of thinking?

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1. Boundaries were not intended to isolate people from each other – they were intended to foster healthy relationships.

Should you buy a house in a new neighborhood, before landscaping has been done, it could be confusing to know where one person’s property ends and another’s starts. There are all kinds of disagreements that could happen if we didn’t have a surveyor’s document that makes it clear whose yard is who’s. Without it, we could argue about where the garden goes, where the fence goes, where the kids play etc. But with boundaries we can live with the neighbors and avoid lots of conflict by simply having the surveyor put down the stakes. Stakes make things clear and helps us avoid needless arguments.

Consider this situation: George and his family moved into a new community. There were no fences yet and most of the yards had no landscaping. George immediately spent money on sod so his kids could play. But over the next few days there were piles of poop on his yard. He soon realized the neighbors had dogs that they left unrestrained. It seems his new sod attracted the dogs. What should he do? He could immediately call the City Animal Dept to pick up the dog. (This was the law!) He could pick up the poop and drop it on his doorstep (but then he is still doing the work and the neighbor would have to guess who was putting it there) Or, he could approach his neighbor, exchange pleasantries and ask for some cooperation. What would the neighbor suggest he do? How would the neighbor like to deal with this? This exchange of goodwill may or may not get results but is still a better approach to the heavy-handed punitive measures. Why? Because they will live on the same block together for a very long time, and relationships matter. This approach focused more on maintaining relationships rather than alienating people.

2. In relationships, boundaries are not intended to communicate rights, but needs. This is where the yard analogy breaks down.

Let me give you an illustration. Susan had a sibling who is particularly mean. From the time they were children, Susan would get teased and shamed and mocked for most everything she did. This habit of teasing carried on into adulthood so that in any given family function she was sure to experience his sarcasm and mockery. It was hurtful. Susan had tried different things when she was younger such as angry outbursts and walking out. But these made her other family members frustrated. Why can’t the two of you just get along, they would say.  So, she had given up and silently suffered his comments. Susan knew it was time to do something different when he started teasing her kids. She had heard about boundaries and decided she would tell the whole family she wasn’t inviting him anymore to any events because she would not expose her kids to him. It had been quite awhile since they had all been together. The family was sad when she hosted an event and he was not included. Most of the family liked him.  But was this an appropriate “boundary?” Yes, she was safe but isolated. In counselling, we decided on a better option. First, she had to speak to her brother about what she needed. She could meet him for coffee and speak to him alone, or write him a letter or email, or bring someone in the family with her for support. But to do so would involve – WHAT – what was it he did that she wished to see changed, WHY ? What was the IMPACT on her? How did it make her feel, how did it hurt her, why did it hurt her? But MOST IMPORTANTLY,  what she needed most was the NOW?  – What did she need from him NOW. What she needed from him was much more than a change of behavior. She needed a better RELATIONSHIP.

To remember this process think of WIN. (What, Impact, Need)

It sounded something like this: Bill, you’ve probably noticed I haven’t invited you to my house for a long time. That’s because when you tease me and mock me with sarcasm, it makes me feel small and stupid and hurts me. I’ve been angry at you and tried to fight back. I don’t like how this makes me feel, and I don’t think you hear me anyway when I’m mad.  So this whole situation makes me want to pull away from you, and pull my kids away from you because they will get hurt too. But what I want is for me to have a closer relationship with you because you are my brother and are important to me. I also want my kids to have a relationship with you but I want them to be safe. So next time we are together I need you to watch carefully what you say, and focus on saying things that are encouraging and uplifting, not hurtful. Because this is what’s important, if you start being sarcastic and teasing, I will call you out. I will be kind but firm but I will correct you.  If you don’t make a change I will no option but to distance myself from you. Clearly, this is NOT what I want! I want and I need a warm, respectful relationship with you and with my kids.

Will this approach guarantee a good result? No because Bill has a choice in his response. But what is so often missing in boundary setting is sharing the heart – making ourselves vulnerable and showing our desire for good relationships. People tend to focus on their rights, or what is right or wrong in what other people do. They act as the authority, the police and the judge. In doing so they are harsh, angry and demanding rather than soft, sad and inviting. “I want you. I need you. Will you try?” invites cooperation and has a whole different motivation than punishment.

Do we need boundaries – that is, the ability to say no and to not allow others to hurt, wound and take advantage of us? Absolutely. But how we set them can make a great difference in what kind of response we receive. Find your heart first, your need, your desire – and from that place draw your line in the sand.

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We cannot just “sit it out” waiting for Covid to end because we do not know how long the sit will be. There are more important things than catching Covid. Right now, in my opinion, mental health problems are more of a threat to teens and their families than Covid. Suicide is on the rise, and most parents didn’t think their child would ever do such a thing. We MUST as parents and caretakers act to help teens feel like life is normal.

How do we do that?

1. Break some rules. Find ways for your teen to connect with one or two others in socially distanced, responsible ways. Shooting hoops, skating, swimming, movies, tobaggoning, anything that makes them feel connected and is open to the public. Help them plan (and pay for) a meeting at a restaurant. Help organize the event, chauffeur them and their friends (even if it’s one at at time) if necessary, allow them to entertain one or two. (Yes, I did say that) 

2. Make them keep a routine of sleep/wake cycles. The human body is most naturally wired to the sun. We are healthiest when we wake in the morning and go to sleep in the evening. Youth who stay up half the night and sleep half the day experience more depression symptoms. Napping is not a good idea if kids are healthy. Call them from work, three or four times to get them up. Give them errands that have to be done in the morning… be a source of irritation to them, but get them out of bed.

3. Once they are up and dressed, insist on personal hygiene. It’s not a good plan to hang out in pyjamas all day. Pyjamas suggest it’s time to sleep, relax or be on vacation. If possible, start the day with a trip to Tim’s (or some other place) that requires them to dress, shower and look half decent (even if it’s take out.)

4. Get them out of their room. Set up the computer in the kitchen – make them move locations to play games, or watch TV or do school. Buy a puzzle and set it up on the table – if they wander by they may stop for a few moments. Require they eat with you and talk to them at least 20 minutes a day – without allowing interruptions from technology. I cannot emphasis this one enough. It saddens me to realize many kinds never leave their room – they eat there, do school there, and talk to friends there. But more important, many teens have NO conversation with their parents other than to grunt back when mom says lunch is in the fridge. We will ALWAYS need our parents, whether we ask for attention or not. A teen does not have control over his whole world yet – so insist on interaction, conversation and joining you at the table, on the couch or out for coffee. And when you have them near, give them undivided attention.

5. Get them to help you – do whatever – set the table, make a meal. This is a great time to teach them to cook, to buy groceries, lightbulbs or anything else. If they can drive, make them a detailed list and send them out. Yep, its easier to do it yourself but this is a good time to help them learn. Just be sure you don’t jump all over them if they bring home the wrong stuff.

6. Find a motivator and reward them – for 5 days of exercising (they have to show you some kind of proof?), for 5 meals cooked, for 5 times of being outdoors for at least 50 minutes – that new shirt, or game card is there’s when they can prove what they’ve done. What can you do to help create motivators.

7. Make them Bluetooth their music to a sound device (you may have to tolerate some new music!) or youtube to the TV rather than sitting with earphones. Earphones isolate and keep conversation from happening.

8. Don’t allow pot smoking anywhere in the house or yard. Discourage the use of it altogether and don’t give them money to buy it. There are tons of studies to support the fact that pot causes depression and other mental health disorders. Yes it may mellow them out, or make them feel less anxious about something, but it is an addictive substance and medicating emotions is not the best choice ever.

9. Don’t let them label themselves. There is a difference between having depression symptoms or feeling depressed and owning it like a disease. “I have depression,” or calling it “my depression” is subconsciously victimizing the person. Depression and anxiety are not a thing you have, it’s a set of symptoms you present and a set of ways you think. Very few people have chemical imbalances: most get stuck in negativity and hopelessness which if left alone, will lead like a corkscrew down into other physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, aches and pains, trouble concentrating, forgetting things, and appetite changes. It is quite amazing how our mind can affect our body. Most depression is treatable by confronting thoughts (more later on this) and replacing them, and by simple changes to diet, routines, and getting more active.

9. Confront distorted thinking by kindly challenging them. Don’t be afraid to challenge thinking but don’t tell them they are wrong to think that way. Just steer them to better thoughts. Here are some common ways people think when they are getting depressed:

a. Most problems are ‘never’ and ‘always’. They may say things like, They never want to hang out with me. She is always busy. I will never get to do anything again. My whole life sucks. Without any impatience or rolling of your eyes, remind them when they did hang out, when their friend wasn’t busy, and what part of their life they have been enjoying. Change ‘always’ to ‘sometimes’ or ‘frequently’ and correct them. Why? Because ‘always’ and ‘never’ make no room for the possibility of change and make us feel hopeless.Everything we say and do that appears hopeless leads us to despair.

b. It will never turn out. Even if I call them, they won’t answer back. Even if I try to cook, I’ll just screw up. My friend won’t want to do that, so why ask her? They might be right sometimes, but there is a good chance they could be wrong. We will never get anything we want if we don’t believe in the possibility of goodness. Believing that good things might happen encourages us to risk. Predicting negative outcomes is the kind of thinking that can easily become habitual and again, foster hopelessness.

c. It’s too much to handle. Let’s say, your teen calls a friend and invites them but their friend is busy. I knew it. They never want to be with me. They don’t care about me at all. I’ve lost all my friends and I’ll never have any again. I hate this Covid, nothing will ever be the same again. (Long rants filled with lots of emotion and distorted thinking such as over-generalizing, ‘nevers’ and negative predictions.) This may include crying or yelling or throwing things. We need to be straight with them and say, ENOUGH. Empathy is a good thing but can be carried too far. It’s important that children (of all ages) learn to handle their emotion and not give in to everything they feel. Our emotions need not control our actions. Focus on the behavior and call it into discipline. Acting out is an unhealthy way to surrendering to feelings. Instead, focus on what’s next. “Ok, so this is upsetting and I’m really sorry. But what else can we do…?’ Or, ‘I understand this is disappointing but life is hard sometimes. We have control of our choices and responses – what can we choose to do now?’

d. It’s always bad. Depressed people see only the bad and forget the good. It’s a great habit to start and end every day with a list of at least 3 things that were good today. Table top conversation should include positivity – appreciation for anything and everything. Celebrate the good weather, time to spend together, new game you learned, new food you tried, and anything else that was half-ways good. But don’t preach – model positivity and spend some time of those 20 minutes together showing appreciation for anything they did good that day. Compliment clothing, makeup, showering, tidying – something, anything. Covid is hard for everyone right now, including you, but be the bigger person. Stay strong. Be positive.

e. It’s what I feel. They may feel worried, anxious, sad, lonely or angry. They are not a bad person for feeling lousy. So telling them to quit feeling sorry for themselves might be the truth but is not helpful. It is better to accept the feeling in one simple empathetic statement such as, ‘Yes, I understand that is upsetting for you, or makes you sad, or makes you angry. I am sorry things are so difficult right now.” Leave a few minutes to let it sink it, for them to see you are sincere, but then ask, “So what shall we do now with what you feel? If you stay with this feeling what will your day look like? Do you think it might be a good idea to distract yourself or do something that will help you feel better? Give them tools, ideas, but show an expectation that they can manage that emotion and do something positive despite how they feel in the moment. A feeling reveals something about our expectations about life (and of course, we all have expectations) but it should not control us. Our will is stronger and our brain is smarter than our feelings. Teens need help with action steps to manage their emotions. To help them, ask yourself, what do you do when you feel this way? Teach them.

I understand it’s been a difficult time for everyone, including parents. I also understand that in some ways Covid is a break for parents – from lots of running around and busyness. But it’s no break for the kids. Covid still requires parental involvement – just a different kind. If kids are in school, that helps, but it’s not enough. Therefore, understand that even though teens may have adult bodies and express their opinions in adult ways, they are not adults. They cannot handle long periods of aloneness (even introverts). They do not have the tools to manage long periods of time without plans and activities. Sometimes you have to take some risks because it’s a quality of life issue. Decide what you can do – but just do something.

We’re in this together.

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Does saying no to your kids make them unhappy? Does it make them pout, cry or rage? Do they seem distraught, distressed or anxious? Are they hurt?

Then that’s a good thing.

There are many different kinds of hurts in life. The first and most destructive are those inflicted on us as personal attacks. Examples of this would be excessive teasing, mocking, shaming, or being labeled or sworn at. All of these hurt us and may affect us because they cause us to doubt ourselves and feel ashamed. They attack who we are. They cause us to question whether we are “ok.”

These are the hurts we do NOT want to inflict on our children.

But there are other kinds of things we do while raising children that are perceived as hurt by the child, but are healthy ways to develop the “inner locus of control.”

What does that mean?

A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for everything.

For a child to feel powerful over their world they must understand their own ability to control themselves and take personal ownership over themselves.  For a child to feel powerful they must learn that they ALWAYS have something they are in control of.

It’s good to have a strong will. The human will is our most powerful asset as human beings. However, it’s only a good thing if we have learned WHAT to control. A child who thinks they can control everyone else, but has no self-control is in for a difficult life.

For example, I remember visiting with a family and dealing with a four year old. Joey (name changed) wanted something but mom said no. He immediately went into a major temper. He wailed, flailed his arms, fell on the floor and sobbed. When that didn’t work he screamed at his mom, calling her mean and started kicking her. Mom was exhausted and tired. She was frustrated and exasperated.

I asked permission to deal with it. (I was close to the family)

Taking the child by the hand I more or less dragged him into his bedroom and shut the door. I sat down in front of it so he could not leave. He continued his temper on his floor. Then he started wailing for his mom. 

During this time I repeated the following statements and other related ones:

‘Take a deep breath.’

‘Be still.’  

‘You can do this. You can calm yourself.’  

‘It’s okay Joey, you will get your mom as soon as you calm down.’

“You need to stop. You will not get what you want until you stop.”

I said it at regular intervals, in a calm but firm voice. I did not move. He tried throwing things. I repeated,

‘You need to stop.’

‘You need to calm down.’

‘You will not be leaving this room until you calm down.”

‘I am very patient. I can stay a long time.’

At first he didn’t believe me. He cried, and sobbed and held his head. Then he would switch his approach to anger and kicked the floor and the wall. I waiting, repeating myself.

After about 5 minutes (it seemed longer) he took a deep breath. He shuddered and stopped briefly. I waited for a sec and said, Are you calm now? He glared at me and started again.

I repeated the instructions, firmly but calmly.

A few more minutes.

He stopped suddenly.

I said, ‘I will count to three. If you are calm, I will let you out of this room. But you must treat mommy nicely or we will come back here.’

He said nothing. I counted. He stayed calm. I let him out of the room.

His mother reported to me they had no further tempers for a month.

Then he had one again. She used the same strategy. His tempers stopped.

The goal was not to be more controlling than him. The goal was to help him see HE had control, and he could control himself. Obviously, he had a better chance of getting what he felt he needed if he used his control.

By “winning” – meaning I stayed in control of my own anger and frustration, I was modeling the importance of self-control.

And by my calming statements I was training the child in how to calm himself in the face of adversity. I was helping him develop that invisible internal muscle called his “locus of control.”

That is not to say we don’t suggest ways for them to calm down. I said, “You need to take some deep breaths.”  Or,  “Look at me, Joey. Look at my face. Calm yourself.” But many times they are not ready for those suggestions until they realize they are expected to control themselves. 

Sometimes a child needs to cry for a long time or be upset for awhile (alone and away from anyone who may give them attention) in order for them to realize they DO have control over themselves and maybe its time to stop. They may exhaust themselves, or find a distraction – but either way they are left without external elements to manage their feelings. A positive outcome is when they learn they do have control over their feelings and can act properly even when they feel strongly about something.

And this is true for any age.

When a person of any age learns that they can control themselves even when they cannot control the environment around them, they become more successful in life.

Parents find it difficult to watch their children suffer. To them crying is a sign that their children are in pain. But suffering or “stress” is part of life. Rescuing them does not give them tools to handle it. On the contrary we unconsciously teach them to blame others or try to control external elements to get what they want.

It is for this reason we as parents must “hurt” our children. By saying no and having boundaries for what a child can and cannot do, the child will experience distress and hurt but will soon learn to accept these feelings as part of life. They will learn that others have needs too, people in authority do often tell us what to do, and my happiness is not the only person’s happiness that matters.

We make powerful children when we teach them to self-manage and “get control” of their emotions and feelings when life is difficult to bear.

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You see, over and over again I meet parents who are fearful and anxious that their parenting will result in a child who is unmotivated, unhappy, and who doesn’t amount to anything in life. I also hear from people who are convinced that unless their partner shapes up, (or their grandparent, or the kids at their school who bully them, or the teacher who doesn’t approach them right or the coach who is too harsh) their kids will forever suffer for the lack of a good model and once again, amount to nothing.

We live in a psychological age that is convinced that what happens to us shapes us – that we are in fact absolutely a product of our environment.

So here’s what I read today in the book “Developing the Leader within You, by John C. Maxwell”

“In their book titled Cradles of Eminence, Victor and Mildred Coertzel wrote about their study of the backgrounds of more than four hundred highly successful men and women who would be recognized as brilliant in their fields. The list included Franklin D. Roosevelt, Helen Keller, Winston Churchill, Albert Schweitzer, Clara Barton, Mahartma Gandi, Albert Einstein and Sigmund Freud. The intensive investigation into their early home lives yielded some startling findings:

• Three-fourths of them as children were troubled by poverty, broken homes, or difficult parents who were rejecting, overly possessive or domineering,
• Seventy-four of the eighty-five writers of fiction or drama surveyed and sixteen of the twenty poets came from homes where they saw tense psychological drama played out between their parents.
• More than one-fourth of the sample suffered physical handicaps such as blindness, deafness, or other cripling disabilities.

Maxwell goes on to say, “Why did these achievers overcome problems while many others are overwhelmed by theirs? They didn’t see their problems as stumbling blocks. They were spurred on by problems and used them as stepping stones. They understood that problem solving was a choice, not a function of circumstance.”

From my vantage, I am leaning more and more to the old-school attitude of “suck-it-up buttercup.” We are presently a culture that values empathy and compassion as the highest virtues. I get that. I would suck as a counsellor if I didn’t!

However, in the family culture there is a danger that while emphasizing one we fail to develop the other. What is the other? The hard work ethic.

The hard work ethic is a mindset that says, we work when we feel like it, we work when we don’t, we keep working til the job is done. And it was underscored with: quit feeling sorry for yourself!

But this is true of more than work. It is true of friendships, of relationships, and of almost every day-to-day mundane thing we do. Life is not easy. Life is difficult. But we suck it up and do it anyway.

We don’t always feel good. We don’t always have a good environment in which to work. We don’t always like the people we live with or work with. We may suffer at the hands of others while we keep doing it.

I love people. My heart is broken when people suffer. And especially kids. But can I just say that I think we have gone too far. I worry that in showing empathy and compassion we are creating a culture of blame, of irresponsible action, and of lost opportunity. When a kid or any person for that matter decides that life is difficult and therefore believes it is an excuse to sleep, hide, shut down or avoid life, they are forever a victim.  But flip it. If a kid sees that life is tough and hard but accepts it and is taught to acknowledge the hurt but then use it as a problem solving platform to overcome and work harder, they can excel MORE in the fact of adversity not less.  In fact coupled with determination and optimism no bad set of circumstances can stop them. They will achieve and they WILL amount to something.

Perhaps we need to be encouraged as parents and leaders to show less sympathy and more tough mindedness. Perhaps its time to call them up and call them out. Life is difficult. But the future is bright. It awaits however, for those who stop whining and keep pushing.

Of course it has to start with us. I much prefer to expect a good life. I much prefer to believe in happiness and pleasure. But is that reality?!

Scott Peck in his book, The Road Less Traveled, says “Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it has been accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

Does it sound like pessimism? Does it feel like despair?  It need not. In fact, I think once accepted it can propel us into action. There is work to do. And I have what it takes. I can do more than I think I can. I am much more capable than I realize.

And so are your kids!

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I didn’t know ten years ago how much we as a society, myself included, have been influenced by feminist attitudes, how much we have imposed negative values on masculine traits and supported disrespectful and controlling attitudes in women. Men get the rap for failing to communicate, for not expressing their feelings and not supporting the raising of their children. While feminism began with a sincere desire to support equal pay for equal work, and addressed discriminatory attitudes towards women’s ability to do certain jobs, it morphed into, as I see it, an attitude of elitism and disrespect.

Men are different. And the way they think, and the way they feel including their quick angry response to unfairness and injustice is desirable and needed more than ever in society and the home.

So because this is not a book but a blog, let me briefly champion men today on Father’s Day. Men are awesome because:

1. They have a tremendous desire to provide for their family. Good men feel shame and deep inadequacy if they are not meeting the expectation of women financially. This drives them to workaholism and emotional neglect. While women complain about many things, the complaints men actually hear relate to money. “We don’t have enough” strikes an immediate response in most men – and off they go to work,  to work harder and longer.
2. They have a tremendous desire to love their wives. Because women are so caught up in trying to get a man to love them the way they want to be loved, they often overlook the way he already does. A man will protect his wife at any cost. When she complains that the kids are fighting and she can’t handle it, they rise to action. With their bellowing voices they tell the kids to knock it off and get to their room. When a woman complains there’s too much work to do and she’s overwhelmed because she’s working full time, he goes to the big picture and the need once again to get to work and make more money so she doesn’t have to work so hard. His love is expressed in action.
3. They have a great ability to set aside emotion in order to persevere through hard times- daily or in the face of crisis. Because few men live out of their feelings, they don’t give them a lot of value. This is a great quality in times of emergency, war, or distress. They can be the rock when needed and do daily what they don’t feel like doing.
4. They are simple and uncomplicated. Tell them what you need them to do now and they will do it. They seldom overthink or over analyze clear instructions. If they are fortunate enough to live with a good communicator they will find their rhythm and continue faithfully.
5. They are sexually aggressive not just because of their desire for pleasure but to feel the fulfillment and connection found when satisfying their wife. They are fixers and problem solvers so the more a husband hears she is lonely, or disconnected the greater he desires to connect with her sexually.

Are all men this way? At the core I believe they want to be. Many men have given up providing, choosing rather to take care of themselves and their toys because women have sent clear messages that they are not needed and can do as much if not more than they can. Many men have shut off their protective nature because of criticism for the way they handle the kids or make snap decisions. Many men have given up trying to communicate because they’re mocked for wanting actions, for fixing things, and shamed for not revealing their deep emotions. Many men have turned to other places, particularly pornography, to feel adequate and powerful and strong believing that who they are is never enough for the woman they’re with. I’m not blaming women for all of man’s difficulties although I believe many women have lost sight of the strengths of men.  Thankfully, there are many good men out there who have not abandoned themselves and persevere in love.

For all those good men out there… I salute you.

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